To Cry or Not?

The following article discusses my personal views and experience with letting a baby "cry it out".  It is not a recommendation of any kind.  It is not based on any scientific information.  It is merely for your reading pleasure... 

To Cry or Not to Cry? - That is the Question!

If you've read my "What Worked For Us" document on this site, then you know how I feel about the old adage of letting a baby "cry it out".  I don't believe in it.  Well, at least I didn't.....

We never let my first son cry it out.  We always picked him up when he cried.  We knew he was hurting.  I always felt like a baby wouldn't continue to cry once it had been fed, diaper changed, etc., unless something was wrong.  It was that instinct that led me to his diagnosis of reflux.  I knew he shouldn't cry for what would appear to be no reason.

Once we got the reflux under control, the unexplained crying stopped.  And the sleeping began!  He was and still is a great sleeper.  He was sleeping through the night by 5 months.  ( Not bad for a reflux baby... )  The only times he would ever wake up is if he was sick and maybe sometimes when he was teething.  We were SO blessed and we knew it. 

But we didn't know just how blessed we were until little brother came along...

Little brother started out great - slept all the time.  I remember telling the doctor at one of his early check-ups, "You won't believe me if I tell you I have a child who sleeps TOO MUCH, will you??"  Oh, I laughed and was just giddy with the thought that this baby was going to be Easy Street.

Well, that dream came to an abrupt end around 4 weeks.  Here came the "unexplained" crying.  But I was ready this time!  I knew what to do.  We got the medicine going and the apnea monitor was ordered so he could sleep on his stomach.  We got him all situated and eventually figured out he didn't really have severe reflux like his older brother.  He just needed time for his bowel system to kick in, but he still liked sleeping on his stomach, so we kept him on the monitor.  We also put him on the Tucker reflux wedge / Tucker reflux sling to sleep.  It was great -sleeping long periods, almost through the night around 3 months.  We were in heaven!

Then the doctor said it was time to give up the monitor.  First we transitioned him off of the reflux wedge to see if he would trigger any alarms on the apnea monitor.  All was well, so we "pulled the plug" on the monitor at exactly 5 months old.  And it was at "exactly 5 months old" that the drama began. 

Our little perfect baby that was sleeping through the night did a 180 degree turn on us.  He would wake up at all times of the night.  Crying, screaming, carrying on.  We had no idea what was going on.

At first we thought it was reflux.  Maybe the reflux was waking him up now that he was sleeping flat.  He didn't have a bad case, but he did have some reflux episodes.  We put him back on the wedge.  No luck.

Then we thought he might have bad gas from something we were feeding him.  We had started cereal and some baby food, so we took him off of everything except formula.  No luck.

Then we thought maybe he needed medicinal help with the gas again.  So we started up again with the Gaviscon and Levsin drops.  No luck.

Next came thoughts of an early tooth.  We gave him Tylenol for several nights.  No luck.

The runny nose soon presented itself and we thought, "Ah Ha!  A cold!"  He's got a cold and he can't breathe and that's why he's waking up.  We just need to weather this storm a  bit longer.  Well, the storm came and went and for a couple of days we thought we had licked the nighttime monster.  Then came another shrill in the night...

He has been waking up several times in the night for MONTHS now.  He is now 9 months old.  We became zombies.  Completely exhausted.  Frustrated because we could not figure out WHY he was waking up and getting so upset.  We had tried everything.

He had his 9-month checkup a couple of days ago.  The doctor came in asking about milestones and said, "Sleeping through the night?", with fingers crossed.  She received a resounding, "NO!".

She asked, "When he wakes up, what's the problem?"  I answered, "Absolutely nothing."  To which she replied, "Then let him CRY IT OUT." 

Cry it out??  Me, who doesn't believe in crying it out, CRY IT OUT?? Not to mention the fact that I didn't believe it would work.  She said to give it three nights.  She said the first night he would probably scream for an hour and a half, then the second night for 40 minutes, less on the third night and by the fourth night - there would be no crying.  I quickly retorted, "I don't believe you."  She said, "I promise."  I said, "You PROMISE??  I'm going to hold you to it."  She said, "It's the best gift you will ever give yourself."

Well, since I had finally come to the realization that there truly was nothing wrong, I was actually prepared to give it a try.  I went home that night and told my husband the doctor's solution.  "Yeah right.", was his reply.  We decided to wait until the weekend to try it out so that my husband would have two non-have-to-get-up-early-to-go-to-work days following the "test nights".  Night three would be Sunday night, but the crying was to be less that night, so maybe we would make it.

Bedtime rolled around and he lasted until about 2:30 AM before it all started up ( that was actually pretty good for him ).  My husband went in there, settled him down, lifted the crib rail back up, praying it wouldn't creak, tip-toed out of the room, shut the door, hoping it wouldn't creak, clamored back to our bed, slithered in, began the descent of his head towards his pillow and as soon as the first hair landed on pillowcase....WWWAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

He jumped up, got within one step of the door and I mustered up the words, "Let him cry it out."  Yep, I said it!  So he crawled back in bed.  By this time it was 3:14 AM.  Yep - I was staring at the clock.  And so the waiting began.

3:16 AM - Screaming.  3:20 AM - Screaming.  3:30 AM - Big Gag/Choke/Come Save Me moment.  3:45, 3:50, 4:00 AM - Finally losing some steam.  4:14 AM - The Magic Moment!  The screaming stopped.  Exactly one hour later, it was all over.  I didn't hear anything from him again until in the 7:00 AM hour.  And even then I didn't go in there.  He went back to sleep!  Finally at 8:30, I went in and got him up for the day.  I couldn't believe it.

Well, I figured it was a fluke and the second night, he would scream for *2* hours.  We put him to bed and crossed our fingers.  My first son and I had a late night and I didn't put him to bed until about 11 PM.  Well, here comes the screamer.  I wouldn't have gone in there except I knew my first son would have trouble getting to sleep with his little brother carrying on.  So I went in and got him settled down.

11:57 PM - More screaming.  Let Night #2 of the Cry It Out Experiment begin.  I waited.  11:58 PM - Screaming.  12:00 AM - Slight pause.  12:02 - One big Last Attempt Wail.  12:04 AM - Silence.  I just laid there with that same old anxiety-ridden, "When is he going to start up again?" feeling in my stomach.  The, "I'm trying to go to sleep but my ears are wide awake." syndrome.  But nothing.  Not even a peep until 8:30 AM.  I had really only tried the crying it out solution to prove the doctor wrong.  I was beginning to think that maybe I was proving her right.

Well, it's Night #3 and I'm sitting here writing this in the wee-hours. (Never drink a two-teaspoon-full-of-coffee-grounds cup of coffee at dinner.... )  At 11:19 PM, I heard one little cry, followed by a couple more, but at 11:20 PM - Silence.  Nothing since.  I hope we're on to something here.....  Only time will tell.

So I guess you're wondering where I stand now on "To Cry or Not to Cry?"  Well, I still say that babies shouldn't cry early on for no reason.  Their needs are pretty simple, so if they're crying at "odd" times, then something is wrong and it needs to be addressed.

But if they're getting up around 6 months old and you know the basic needs have been met, and there's no medical explanation like illness, teething, reflux, etc., then you might have a learned behavior on your hands.  Maybe it wouldn't hurt to just let them cry it out a few nights to see.

I think my son's problem was that he was waking up for whatever reason and he didn't know how to put himself back to sleep.  He is not a pacifier baby like my first son, so he didn't have the instinct to search for the pacifier.  So I think he sat there and thought, "Well maybe Mommy will know what to do.  MMMMOOOOOMMMYY!!!!"  And I would come running.

So maybe by not going in there, he is learning that maybe it's up to him to figure out how to go back to sleep.  I may be getting ahead of myself, but I hope this is the beginning of a new chapter full of rest and sweet dreams.

I'm looking forward to Night #4.  If all goes according to plan, it should be the first full night's sleep we've had in a long time ( not counting the night last week when we shipped the screamer to Grandma's for the night).  I just need to remember not to drink that cup of coffee before bed!!

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