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August 28, 2007 at 1:45 pm #41810
Anonymous
InactiveI need your wisdom, ladies. I do understand that my pregnancy hormones probably playing a big role here but..here it goes. DH went to a bachelor’s party last weekend and his friend emailed pictures to him. DH told me about the pictures and that I can view them if I like (I wanted to see one of our mutual friends whom I haven’t seen in a long time). I go into his email account and there are two emails with the titles “photos”. I open the first one and it’s a picture of a baby (don’t jump to conclusions, it’s not DH’s baby) and the sender’s name sounded very familiar. Then I realize that there are 8!!! emails from her and I realized that it was his ex (from her first name). Of course, my curiosity got the best of me and I started reading all of them. The content did not bother me much (it was more of a “hey, how’s your daughter” and he was simply replying and not even asking her questions about her life). They dated for 4 years 10 years ago, were engaged, ended up getting married but it was annuled since they both realized it won’t work. They did not speak to each other for 5 years and as DH puts it, SHE emailed him. Out of the blue??? When I saw this, I started BAWLING. I couldn’t stop. I was hurt that DH kept it from me. At least say something. He said that he knew that it would upset me and it’s not THAT BIG OF A DEAL TO HIM (talking to her). I just blew up and started screaming like a maniac. I was and still am hurt. Here is the kicker..we’re going to the wedding next Friday and she’ll be there (since they’re all childhood friends, the bride, groom, DH, her). I’m very hurt by his actions and truth be told, pissed off that she contacted him. How do I act around her? I feel like telling her off but don’t really want to go that low…after all, IT DOES TAKE TWO TO TANGO. Dh is just at fault. Do I just not go to the wedding? Dh is at the wedding party and cannot not go. I’m so upset by all this and hurt that he decided to keep it from me. He tells me that he was planning on telling me but couldn’t figure out how. If it’s not such a big deal to you, than why would it be to me?? (I do admit, I’m very jealous). Ugh, thank you for listening and offering your much needed advice.
August 28, 2007 at 2:25 pm #41813InactiveI’m sure I’d be upset in your situation too. I think he should have told you immediately and he should have either shared these emails and photos with you from the beginning in order to keep things honest and open, or he should have told her not to email him because he’s a married man and even if it is just emails and as innoncent as the driven snow, it looks bad. Married men should not have private correspondence with women from their past in any circumstances. He owes you an apology.
My guess is he’s just as clueless as many men are and he meant well and was going to tell you, he just didnt’ know how or was afraid of your reaction. My dh is like that too. He will keep things from me because he’s afraid of how I will react. I tell him that’s immature and counter productive. He needs to be 100% honest at all times and he needs to learn to deal with whatever reaction I may have. That’s life!! It’s much better to deal with a short term anger/stress/jealousy or whatever reaction from his wife, than to deal with a long term erosion in trust and intimacy. Explain that to him and ask him to apologize and to please be honest the next time something like this occurs.As for the wedding, do you think if you got an apology from dh and a promise from him to keep you informed from now on, that you’d be comfortable at the wedding?I hope you can work things out.August 28, 2007 at 2:47 pm #41819InactiveChristine, he apologized and we even cried together last night. He is a great husband and would never think of hurting me. You’re right, he’s absolutely clueless especially with things like that. He promised to email her telling her that it’s not such a good idea for them to continue talking but it still hurts me that I had to get involved in order for him to do that. I just dont know what to do if she approaches me at the wedding and starts talking to me. I am tempted to tell her a thing or two but don’t want it to look like a “jerry springer” show (if you know what I mean).
August 28, 2007 at 4:10 pm #41823InactiveMarianna,
I guess things could be worse, but he should have told you! Men don’t think most of the time. They either don’t tell you big stuff like this or they tell you little things that really don’t matter, but still make us mad in the process. I don’t know if this is possible but I know of men who have done this… Maybe he told you to look at the other pictures in the hopes that you would find her emails as well and that was an “icebreaker” to bring up the converstation…. It maybe a stretch but I have heard of that happening before. As for the wedding… I would be the bigger person and go. If you don’t go, she will know that she caused something and some women get off on causing problems in marriages….. That is just what I would do, but you do what you feel comfortable with. I am glad you guys were able to talk about it. I hope you haven’t lost too much trust in him.August 28, 2007 at 4:18 pm #41825InactiveBeth, Cooper looks adorable in this picture. He’s getting so big. Knowing my husband, he probably forgot that her emails were there. Plus, if it weren’t for the mistake, I wouldn’t have noticed that he had multiple emails from her. I do trust my husband and wouldn’t go through his emails just cause (plus, I have no time). As for trust…I just need some time. I think he sees my point now and why I was hurt (after the talk we had until 1 am).
August 28, 2007 at 4:23 pm #41827Inactivemarianna——i was going to tell you that i thought christine’s advice was really good—-and then i saw that you had already responded back to her. your husband sounds like a good guy. sounds like your dh has already taken the initiative to tell her that coresponding privately is not a good idea, i don’t think you have anything to worry about. go to the wedding, if she approaches you to talk, tell her how adorable the pictures of her little one were and how thoughtful it was of her to ask about your little one—–this will make it more than obvious that your husband is not willing to hide anything from you—-just in case she had other plans—but it really sounds just like an old friend trying to keep in touch.
i had several really good friends growing up—that were boys—once you get married, you just can’t have the same kind of friendship with someone of the opposite sex as you can with someone of the same sex—-it just isn’t appropriate. one of my best guy friends came to town for his father’s funeral a few years ago. it had been 20 yrs since i had seen him. i went to the church to find him—-but i told kevin he was there and he knew i was going to see him. it was great to see him, but we were in a public place. i got his e-mail thinking i would like to keep in touch—but i never have e-mailed him. i’ve thought about it several times. i feel like it is ok to keep in touch—OCCASIONALLY–with an old friend of the opposite sex—-but it should not be done on the sly and it should not been done on a frequent and regular basis.
i think if you have a husband that is soft hearted enough to cry with you when your feelings have been hurt—-then your marriage sounds like it is pretty good.kevieb2007-08-28 16:25:04
August 28, 2007 at 5:12 pm #41830InactiveChristine (kevieb), he is very soft hearted. In fact, he’ll do anything to make us happy and works very hard at building a future for our children. Thank you for your great advice on what to tell her. I love it and you’re right, it does tell her that he doesn’t keep anything away from me.
August 28, 2007 at 5:45 pm #41832InactiveI agree with Kevieb – Christine as well. I think you go and act like you knew everything and that it doesn’t bother you at all. Be the bigger person and don’t worry. Sounds like your husband is a pretty good guy.
Things are hard sometimes, hang in there!!!
Ann MarieAugust 29, 2007 at 11:59 am #41865InactiveI’m glad you talked it over with your dh and he apologized. It does sound like he just didn’t know what to do, but now he knows and hopefully it won’t happen again. I like Christine’s advice about what to do at the wedding.
I hope it goes well and you both have a good time. -
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