Infantreflux.org | travelling spouses?

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October 8, 2006 at 9:34 pm #15200

Anonymous
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Do any of you have partners that travel? Dh is supposed to travel a lot for his job and I hate it! When we got married he worked at a large law firm downtown, and then after we got married he moved to a company that makes aircraft to work for their contracts department. I didn’t want him to take the job because of the travel requirements, which I voiced to him at the time, but he was so unhappy at his other position. I said my peace but told him that I wouldn’t hold him back if this was what he really wanted to do, but we would have to talk about it again once we had kids b/c I didn’t want a husband who was travelling all the time when we had children at home.

Well the first trip he took he was scheduled to come home from a 3 week stay in Bangladesh. He was flying home via the US when his plane suddenly got rerouted to Thailand- That was September 11, 2001. Since then, he’s travelled a few times, but only three times within the country for the past 3 years.

Well, now he’s going to London for a few days, and I’m so upset about it. I don’t want a husband that travels for business. I’m so worried about the flying (I know that I’m paranoid), and I find it so hard to manage the kids by myself since Hailey is up all night.

I really don’t know what to do about this. He thinks his job is fine (even though the salary is quite bad), and doesn’t really seem to respect my feelings about things. He just tells me that most men who work in business either have to work late so that they’re not home for dinner (which I really don’t like), or they have to travel and that I can’t have it both ways… he rarely works late. I’d be willing to make those sacrifices if his salary was better, but it’s just not worth it. He tried to look elsewhere a while back, and nothing came up, so now he just seems to have settled back into things again.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I just need to accept things? Do any of you have spouses that travel and how do you cope?

October 9, 2006 at 8:35 am #15209

Anonymous
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I just went away on business last week, so it is a little reversed in our house.

I can definitely understand why you feel the way you do. When we had Dylan, I had quit my job and stayed home full time for the first two years. David worked 6 days a week and was completing his master’s at night. I was alone with this screaming child for most of the day and night and we were not getting enough sleep. I was tired and angry when David had to meet for group projects or work late. Not exactly the same, but it was like I could psyche myself up to handle it for as long as I could knowing he was coming home (even if it was so late) just to have another person in the house to get through it.

Now I look back and see it differently. I have always been the majority breadwinner in our home, and this silently bothers him. He would never say it or discourage me in my career, but I know his father (who died when David was only 8) was the breadwinner and his mother stayed home. My husband is an extremely hard worker, and it is very important to him that he do a good job at whatever he is doing. It is a very big source of his self worth by how hard he is working and his providing for us so I could stay home for that period of time.

It sounds like your husband hasn’t traveled much at all since Sept. 11th and that some of those old feelings are coming up again. I would bite my tounge on this one. I guess if you had made it clear that a traveling father was not something you wanted for your children, and this became more and more, then you would have to express your feelings and talk about it, but this seems like it hasn’t happened in a while.

I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. And I was not so gracious to David when I felt like we needed him home. We always come first in David’s life because his getting an advanced degree and changing careers was for the good of the family. When I was barely holding it together at home by a thread, I couldn’t see it from his point of view.

Hang in there! And we will be here for you to vent while he is gone

October 9, 2006 at 9:04 am #15210

Anonymous
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Thanks Ann Marie. I know you’re right. I just know that with his travelling it’s either all or nothing… he didn’t travel much since Sarah was born because she was sick and then Hailey came along. Now I’m afraid that since he’s starting up again I’m going to be a single parent again.

I appreciate your honesty.

October 9, 2006 at 10:21 am #15213

Anonymous
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Hi Lori, I SO understand you freaking out. Dh just started a new job (which is a good thing, he got laid off in June) and has been in AZ since early last week and will not be home until late Thursday. This is the first time he has been away from Seth for any extended period and I was panicking from the moment I knew he was going to have to go. I won’t deny that it hasn’t been easy but we are managing better than I thought we would. The nights can be bad since Seth still wakes (I say a prayer every night before bed that we will make it through without any major episodes) and the mornings are a bit of a challenge if he wakes up before I am ready for work but all in all we are surviving. I definitely have a new respect for single moms though!!

I can say that although it has been hard on us, it has been rough for Dh too. He is staying busy but I know he misses Seth so much and with the time difference he really doesn’t get to even talk with him on the phone on the week nights. So, I try to put on a happy face to him when he calls as much as I can so he won’t worry or feel bad for being gone.

For the past couple of nights, I have been giving Seth half of a smooth dissolve TUMS before bed and that seems to help. I also go ahead and fill up the dropper of Mylanta to have handy just in case! Thankfully, I have only had to use it once in the middle of the night.

I do hate the travel but am thankful he has a job and hopefully he won’t have to do it often!

I wish you luck when your Dh is gone. Please don’t hesitate to let us know if we can do anything for you while he is away!

Mom2Seth2006-10-9 13:44:58

October 9, 2006 at 10:38 am #15214

Anonymous
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Just wanted to add that I got upset when I told my coworkers that Dh was going away for a while and they did not sympathize why I was so worried. One even told me how she managed two kids for months alone while they were relocating back here and how I would be fine and was overreacting and surely would be able to manage one. Well, did her kids wake up multiple times a night, screaming in pain? No! So, unless someone has been in our shoes, I think they really have no clue and I know you have it even more challenging with Hailey.

So, I just wanted to reiterate that I think your fears are valid but hopefully things will work out!

October 9, 2006 at 10:55 am #15218

Anonymous
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Lori:

Interesting topic this morning as my husband just left for the week for training for emergency squad at his work – won’t be back till Friday.

I always hate when he has to leave but I have kind of gotten used to him not being around very much. He works in maintenance at a local manufacturing plant and works rotating shifts (7-3, 3-11) for 12 weeks then 6 weeks of 11-7. His schedule really sucks for having a normal family life. They have also been working 24/7 for about the last 3 years and already this year, he has put in over 450 hours of overtime (nice money but no fun when you can’t have fun spending it together). I always fear the worst when he is gone but it is weird how things always end up OK. Last night (he was at work), Kayla spent hours coloring pictures and filling up his duffle bag with them, stuffing them in between his clothes. He should have a lot of fun when he gets to the hotel . He has a great chance at a day job coming open this spring so I am keeping my fingers and toes (and eyes) crossed.

As far as you worrying about him flying, I can totally understand where you are coming from. I am in the extreme minority, but I have never flown and after 9/11, I really have no desire to do so. It would take something pretty great going on to get me in the air (or maybe some really good sedatives).

I think it is more or less a fact of life that moms end up with the brunt of staying home with the kiddos. My sister called last night and her hubby is traveling all week also and won’t be back till next Monday. The joys of motherhood.

Hope things go well for you while he is gone – just remember, friends are only a few keystrokes away!!

Robin

October 9, 2006 at 12:42 pm #15224

Anonymous
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Lori

Dave has to travel a ton unfortunately for work – he is usually away 3 nights per week and when he is not traveling, he rarely makes it home for dinner and is usually out the door by 7am or so.

But i am comfortable with it:

-this is the job that he wants and this is the job that he likes! He was working like this when i met him and he was happy then with his job and is happy now (but it is well paying, so maybe that makes things easier, and the hours get better with seniority, although not the travelling)

– this is the job that i had too!! It is what i liked to do and if Matthew was not sick, i would probably be doing a variation of it, so there is no way i can blame him for something i liked for myself before all teh issues started

– he is just wonderful when he has got some time – if he can, he will stay home until 7.30am and let me sleep in. When he gets home and Matthew is still awake, he immediately takes over and puts him to bed; on the weekends, it is really him who takes care of matthew – he wakes up early, i feed Matthew and then they are out the door until Matthew’s nap; in the afternoon he will take him to the playground or the library

So even though i hate the traveling and i hate having to deal with Matthew alone most of the week, we have a great arrangement because i do feel that he is taking over whenever he can.

Hope this makes sense…. i guess for me, i just have to look at bigger picture and that picture is pretty good??

Sorry you are going through this…

October 9, 2006 at 1:28 pm #15229

Anonymous
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Lori,

I truly understand how you feel. My dh doesn’t travel much but he’s gone three nights per month when he’s on call, he goes to training conferences twice per year for a few days, and he gets to go on a 4 day trip every year with a friend of his. Even though he’s never been very helpful at home, I used to absolutely HATE when he was gone, and I’d have severe anxiety about it for days before he left. I guess it’s because things were so hard at home with the refluxers, the screaming, the pumping, the puke, the sleepless nights….at least when he was home I knew that when things got really bad I could drag him off the couch and get some help when I really needed it.

Now that Myles is better and life is more “normal” around here I don’t have any anxiety about him leaving. Like Tiffany said, not all moms have to deal with the issues we are dealing with, like being up all night, and you are dealing with the feeding aversion as well. I’ll bet when Hailey is better, sleeping at night and eating, you won’t be so uncomfortable with dh being gone.

And I can definitely relate to the flying thing. I’ve had a flying phobia since long before 9/11. Of course 9/11 has only made my phobia worse.

As for him looking for a better or different job, I can relate to that, too. My dh doesn’t like change and would he rather settle than try something new or better. I’ve asked him a number of times to look for a better paying job, or for a job elsewhere so we can relocate, etc. but he will not budge. He is comfortable with his current position and I’ve learned to accept it. I know I’d want to be comfortable and happy with my job, so I try to just accept that this is what he wants.

Good luck while he’s gone. I’m sure you will do fine and I really do think that each time he goes it will be easier for you because you will adapt, and it will certainly be easier when Hailey is better.

October 9, 2006 at 10:13 pm #15264

Anonymous
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Thanks everyone. You’re all such a great group of women… your partners are so lucky that you’re so understanding.

I think that I’m a little bit more selfish about things because this was not the situation when dh and I met. We’d been dating for 7 years before we got married, and like I said, he was at a law firm making lots of money. Lots more even when he was in articling then he is now. That’s fine though. I don’t ever want him to be as miserable as he was back then, but I also think there’s a balance somewhere… if you’re making sacrifices for a job like having to travel a lot, then the pay should somehow reflect the sacrifices to family life that they make. When travel gets into full swing, he can be gone for anywhere from 1-2 or more weeks a month. To me that’s not acceptable.

As for him being happy, that’s definitely important. But I don’t think that this is the only job that can fullfill that. In fact, the part that disgusts me is that his workplace actually boasts that the travel is one of the “perks” of the job… you get to travel to all the great places and leave the family behind. Since we’ve been married he’s gone for business to Bangladesh/Thailand, London twice, Japan twice, New Orleans, California, Jamaica twice, Hawaii, some other place in the Carribean that I can’t remember, and Montreal more times than I can count. And the out of country ones are not short trips either- at least 1-2 weeks. And literally every single trip he’s ever gone on ends up with a phone call the day he’s supposed to be coming home saying things got delayed and they’re going to be there for another few nights.

I’m going to admit that I hate it. I also think it’s unfair that while I’m here trying to trudge through, he’s off travelling. And I don’t think that just because I’m a woman I should have to make that sacrifice. This job might one day get better pay-wise, but even if it does the travel only gets worse.

I really don’t know what to do about things. Our marriage is so stressed already with Hailey’s issues that this just makes it worse. It’s really impossible having a child who is up all night AND who doesn’t eat, and to do it alone is exhausting. Throw in the fact that I also work, and have another child as well, and I just pray that I can make it through. I’m back at work part time, but he expects me to be cleaning the house all the time and doing the chores and shopping and looking after everything else, and then gets mad at me that I’m not “resting”… well where’s the time. He’s a great father and I miss him so much when he’s gone and hate how much harder things are when I have to do it all myself.

Thais, I think it’s great that you have such an amazing arrangement with dh. We used to do something similar when it was just Sarah, but now with the two of them, we have to each take one and conquer.

Anyhow, thanks for listening to my rambling vent. I guess I’m not alone in this one, I’m just not as understanding as everyone else about things. I think the sleep deprivation makes things that much more unmanageable because I know that I’m going to be going nonstop for so many days.

Just to make life more fun, Hailey woke up this morning with a fever that has gone as high as almost 104 today. It’s been hard to get it down, and he’s off tomorrow morning. So lucky me, I guess. I’m just so worried about it, because we always have to be cautious as we don’t know for sure whether or not Hailey has the seizures as well. And now I have to pray that Sarah doesn’t catch it while he’s away and have a seizure just to add to the chaos.

October 9, 2006 at 10:40 pm #15275

Anonymous
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(((HUGS))) – what works now for us may not work in the future – as you said we only have one baby and for now, we are both happy with the sacrifices and the rewards… but i can see where you are coming from – if i had to do what i am doing, + work, + take care of another child, i may be there with you.

I do hope that Hailey gets over everything soon – it does make such a difference when they sleep!

((HUGSS again))

October 9, 2006 at 10:45 pm #15277

Anonymous
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Thais, Thanks for all the hugs! I did not mean to suggest that your arrangement won’t work longterm, and I hope that I didn’t come across that way. I just know that when Hailey came along all arrangements that we once had went out the window… but that’s probably only because her issues have made caring for her a full time job, so we’ve always had to tag team, each of us with one of them. It’s only now that we’re able to manage both of them together, and really not for extended periods of time. Mealtimes, bedtime, and night-time are still struggles.

I also think that part of it for me is just a selfish part of my nature. It’s hard for me not to be bitter when I’m having a hard time and he’s off having a great time. I sort of feel like if I’m struggling, then he should be right along side me… sort of a naive thought, I know, but I can’t help it.

s&h’s mum2006-10-9 22:46:6

October 10, 2006 at 8:19 am #15293

Anonymous
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The message was fine! I take one day at at time !!

I know how frustrating it is to have a child with issues… i think that you have to believe it is going to pass, sooner or later – otherwise, you will be going crazy.

October 10, 2006 at 9:46 am #15299

Anonymous
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Lori,
Just a thought – do you have someone (mom, sister, friend, etc) who could come and stay with you while your husband is gone?

Josh (husband) had a job a couple years ago that he had to travel to California for a week every 2 months. I used to have my mom or one of my sisters come and keep me company while he was gone. That really helped. That was before Bryce was born too. I don’t think I could handle it all alone for a long period of time without Josh now!!

October 10, 2006 at 9:54 am #15300

Anonymous
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Lori,

I didn’t realize he travelled that much. I’d be jealous, too. Although I hate to fly, I’d be envious of the good time he’s having and the new places he’s visiting. When my dh goes to one of his conferences I feel like kicking his *ss when he gets back because all he does is complain about it. For pete’s sake, he gets to stay in a nice hotel, eat catered meals, and be kid-free for several evenings. All he has to do is sit and listens to some lectures during the day. Then he can go soak in the hot tub, go to movie, or whatever. What the heck is he complaining about?

My dh has never been alone with his three children for more than 2 hours. He sleeps all night, every night. He gets time off with friends. He gets to take the day off and stay in bed when he’s sick. So, I’m with you on feeling bitter, but honestly I’m starting to realize that feeling bitter only makes me (and my kids) miserable. Acceptance is always half the battle.

October 10, 2006 at 11:51 am #15307

Anonymous
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I agree with you Christine. I know that being bitter doesn’t change anything- that’s what my head says, but it doesn’t help me any. But it’s always a lingering thing over us, which is why I want him to get a new job. I don’t want to always be mad at him because he gets this time away. I know that he doesn’t even want to go… that’s the funny thing. That’s just him- he’d rather be at home, and they do make him work quite hard. But that doesn’t make it any easier on me or the kids. As for the days and nights off you talk about, you’re a better person than I am… I wouldn’t be able to let that stuff go- work is bad enough, but if he’s getting time off to go out with buddies and even to sleep then I would want the same thing.

Heather, unfortunately we don’t have any family here that can help except for my inlaws- which is NO help, really. They still don’t think that there’s anything wrong with Hailey.

OK, no more complaining (sorry).
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