help with the dh……

[Anonymous]

Okay, don’t want to make this into a bashing thread here b/c dh is wonderful and does many wonderful things for our family, but sometimes, he just doesnt’ get it…..

Last night after he had been gone for 2 days (travels with work) he comes home and Owen was really crabby. (had 1 yr appt yesterday, shots etc and cold right now) It wasn’t like a decent hour when he got home either it was 7:15. I was trying to finish supper on the grill, Owen’s whining because he wants to go to bed, but I only have 2 hands remember!

So dh is like “take him, why is he so crabby??” Doesn’t offer to watch supper on the grill or pick up after the kids or keep things going for me. I said I needed to give Owen a bath quick could he get him in the tub. He’s like “well go start the water.” I’m just thinking can you do ANYTHING HERE!!!!

If you’ve read this far you are probably confused as to what I’m getting at, but this has been an ongoing issue with us. He has traveled so much or works late most nights so much that he has been gone for most of the caregiving and has no idea what a schedule is or what to do with the kids at night. He leaves our house well before anyone gets up in the morning so he also has no idea what goes on there either.

I can’t totally complain, I’m going out tonite for a couple of hours, and he will keep the kids and they will do just fine. But when I get home, the house will be a disaster and although they might be in bed, no one will have had a bath or had anything extra above and beyond done.

He works with this guy whose wife says no matter how many hours he works, everything must be 50/50. She cooks he cleans up, she does laundry he puts away etc…… That would never happen in my house.

I guess now you all think that my dh is a sloppy slob. Not the case, he will give baths, clean up after the kids, feed them, do bottles and diapers, but I have to direct everything! And I know I need to let go a little, he says I say he does everything the wrong way and that’s why he doesnt’ do it.

He has told me to quit my job and just stay at home with the kids and I know a lot of you are saying why are you complaining. But I only work 3 days a week and I need to get out and be around other adults for awhile and daycare has been great for my kids they love it! And I would really be crazy if I didn’t work a little and he was gone as much as he is!

I think I just had had enough last night, I needed to vent!

How do things go in your house? Do you split things up? Do dads out there have a routine with the little ones????

[Anonymous]

Hi Erica!

It’s really hard when both parents are working. And I really feel for you when you say he travels. My DH travels just a few times a year and I dread it!!!! Before I was let go of my job recently, he’d pick up the kids from daycare b/c he got off earlier than I did so he actually started dinner and I’d usually come home and help him finish it up, bathe Landen and get him down (bottle, etc) and then he would bathe Kaden and get him down. So yes, I feel like things were kind of 50/50, but not in the sense that it was like (you HAVE to do your HALF) it was just a mutual helping out b/c we were working toward the same goal KWIM?

I think that maybe your DH probably feels out of touch with the routine at night b/c of his traveling? I can tell you that when DH and I were both working we both bickered a lot about things b/c of time restraint, messy house, messy kids, rushing for bedtime routine, dinner, etc. It’s a lot of stress even with 2 people. He got home after 6pm with the kids and I got home after 7pm (stupid job!!!)

Things are soo much easier now that I am home. My kids aren’t sick anymore, they are happy, bathed, fed and all of that when DH walks in. He is so much happier. We’ve never been so happy to let our dream home go up on the market and scale down to a smaller home so that I can continue being home. I’m not trying to say that is the answer for you, I’m def telling you that what you guys are going through is normal for 2 working parents esp with one who travels a lot. I really sympathize!!

Have you see that book that teaches you how to spend 1 saturday afternoon freezing meals that last a month?! I will try to find the link and post it. I have a friend who does it. It might be something that helps out your nightly routine. Another thing I used to do was lay out my kids PJ’s the night before, had a nighttime bottle prepared ahead of time for Landen, a sippy of water for Kaden (for nighttime) in the fridge ahead of time…all things that made night time go smoothly for us. That way after bath it was WAHM BAM story time…goodnight. LOL

HUGS

[Anonymous]

Same thing in our house. DH works very late and gets up before the kids are awake. Therefore I do everything for the kids but I’m currently a SAHM, I was very upset before but right now I think I have just gotten use to it. DH like you said is willing to do everything for the kids but just doesn’t know the schedule and will not jump up and volunteer to do anything if not asked. Also in the past if he did do something and instead of thanking him, I would make comments on how it was not right (well, my way). On weekends he is the first to wake up with the kids and make them breakfast while I get an extra 1/2 hour of sleep. I do have to write the kids typically day schedule for him if I am leaving the kids with him. I do have to write down what to feed them as well and lay out clothes for them if I want to him to attempt to make the kids look descent. It is really like leaving directions for a babysitter, it is very annoying but hey it works. In our house right now, I do have to give DH step by step instructions to do anything that comes to the kids or cleaning the house, I can’t just expect him to see a mess and think “hey wouldn’t it really help if I picked up and put away the toys vs. just kicking them aside!” Sorry no help here!

[Anonymous]

This is such a hard thing! I have to start by saying that DH is very helpful with the boys. We are interchangeable with the kids as far as bedtime routine, etc… But I know how you feel about other things. For example, I can tell him “it’s Monday, don’t forget to put the garbage out” and he will say something like “I’m not a child, you don’t have to remind me”, but then if I say nothing and he misses it, he will say “why didn’t you just remind me if you knew it was Monday” AGHHHHHHHHHH

I know, sounds petty, but you get the idea. I have found two things that work:

1. Talk to DH about it not when it happens, but when we are having a great day and not too stressful, then we are both more open to taking about things and it doesn’t turn into a fight.

2. I let a lot of things go. I just keep reminding myself that the kids are only this young for a short time and it will get easier. The time when our children are in diapers, or need us to bathe them is so short compared to our entire lives together, that I just keep that in perspective and know that my children also will run to me when they are hurt for comfort. It is the bond that I have formed with them that means the most.

Hang in there. I don’t know if I have said anything that helps, but keep in mind that if he doesn’t know what you go through during the day, then he also doesn’t get how tired you are, etc…. Sometimes they just don’t know what they don’t know.

We are here so you can vent anytime!!!!!

Ann Marie

[Anonymous]

my dh works long hours too. and he is the type (just like any other guy) that he won’t do anything around the house if he is not asked to do it, even to take the trash even though its his chore to do but what has work for me to is give him especific instructions and do things casual like for ex. he gets out either at 7 p.m. or 9:30 p.m depends on his schedule when i know he is coming at 7 i dont cook dinner until he gets here and then i say something like “you haven’t spend any time with the baby today what do you thing if you give him a bath and put him to bed while i prepare dinner” it always works but about the house work well thats another story since im a SAHM with his previous job he used to help me more like i will do the dishes and he’ll wash the bottles etc.. but now i just ask him things like pick up your mess or do your laundry, iron your clothes and thats it… i guess as long as takes care of his stuff i can handle also he promised not to expect a cleaned house as long as i dont get mad if he doesnt want to do chores around it works for us iguess but yes when he is in charge of the baby i’ve learned no to be giving him my opinion on how he should do it as long as its safe i just let him do it his way or then he wont but i think every guy its like that you have to be specific and ask for things cause they dont have that seventh sense that girls have about house work

[Anonymous]

UGH!! Dh travels almost every weekend and when my in laws ask “how come Ariella still doesn’t have shoes?” I tell them “we’ll get some when I start seeing my husband for more than 2 hours a day to actually have the time to go to the store”. I know it’s tough and we both work full time but DH tries his best to help me out as much as possible (especially now that I’m not allowed to pick her up). DH needs to be told everything as well but I figure as long as he’s willing to help, I’ll direct (even though I feel like telling him “could you please think sometimes???”) All in all, he tries and that’s the key word. It’d be worse if he said “it’s the woman’s job”. Believe me, I’ve met men like that. Good luck and I’m glad that you get to get out of the house. Whenever I get out with my girlfriends or just for a walk (by myself), I come back refreshed and don’t mind doing some chores 🙂

[Anonymous]

It’s hard. I feel for you. Except I’m the slob in our house and it upsets dh, but I do try to stay neater lately.

What I do when I have to go out is to do as much as the “side stuff” as I can, and leave lists of what to do. It’s annoying, but it keeps me happier knowing that I’ll come home and the right things will be done, rather than coming home and seeing that no one had their teeth brushed, etc.

This morning I went to work and for the first time dh droped Sarah off at Kindergarten. I took Hailey to daycare on my way to keep it simpler for him so he didn’t have to do both. I made her lunch and attached it to her schoolbag, laid out her clothes, and told him exactly what and where to do. I guess I forgot the “when” b/c when I came downstairs I saw Sarah getting ready to go… but it was only 7:30! The drop off is not until 9:00! At first I was annoyed and had to laugh at him. But then I reminded myself that there are lots of things that he does that I would have no idea how to do if I had to it myself- like the bills and lawn care etc. So I’m trying to cut him some slack.

If you’re really bothered, then talk to him about it. Just try not to make him defensive.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks ladies! I’m always feeling like I’m 2 steps behind sometimes because I would much rather play with my kids than do the laundry– go figure! I think I just got overwhelmed this week!

The list thing is a good idea, it doesn’t go over well here if I stray anything from the basic child care instruction because then he says he will leave a list for me to do on my days off.

I don’t think his parents ever made him do anything around the house but he disputes that! I definately see it even now when we are at his parents house, his mom will ask one of the boys to do something and they will all just stare at the tv and MAYBE get up 10 minutes later to do it.

And his sister is no better– I always help out at my parents, I would never think of making my mom do it all herself if she makes a meal for us! But at his parents, everyone gets up from the table and leaves and watches tv while mil is left to clean up the mess. SOOOOOOOOO, I guess he was never taught!

He is great don’t get me wrong! We have a great partnership, it’s just gotten busier for me I think with 2 kids and his part (the money making) is out of his control, it really didn’t change for him when we had two kids.

I also kind of let things get out of control with Owen b/c if I let anyone else do it, things got screwed up and then I paid for it later so it was just easier for me to do it! But now I’m paying the price for that!

Well, it’s nice to know everyone is as busy as I feel sometimes!!!

[Anonymous]

Erica, Ditto the statement you made about Owen and letting others do things for him and paying for it later, that’s how it is with Taylor. She wants everything done by me even though daddy is willing when asked to but she refuses and throws a fit! Once I had kids, they were at the top of my priority list but for DH his work/job is still at the top no matter what he says, I know it is! I guess that’s the difference between “most” men and women!

[Anonymous]

Erica you sound like me. My dh says he doesn’t do stuff b/c I always tell him what he did wrong. Cooper won’t go to sleep for him at all and usually isn’t consoled by him either… I do stay at home, but work one weekend each month in the hospital and I dread having to work (tomorrow is my day) b/c my house is a disaster when i get home and Cooper will have not napped so therefore we will have a bad night. I think some men just don’t get it. dh thinks that I all I do is play with him all day long and that I should be able to get stuff done when he naps, not really since the slighest noise wakes him up…. but you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

You don’t know how many times I have almost posted to vent about this- I have finally just decided Mommies are more efficient, more organized and just plain do more!

Don’t get me wrong, DH probably does more than most but it gripes me because every morning, I will be getting ready for work and already running late, Seth won’t be ready at all and DH is like “well, I better hit the road” and granted his commute is longer than mine but he has flex time. Can’t he at least help me get Seth ready before he leaves? Ugh!

The other thing that kills me is even when I got my ‘night off’, I will still usually have Seth’s dinner ready, put out his PJs, etc. before I go anywhere so he just has to pretty much watch him and give him a bath.

We finally figured out a routine that works pretty well- we will trade off giving Seth his nightly bath and while we are doing that the other one has KP (kitchen duty) and straightnens up the downstairs.

[Anonymous]

i agree with you mom2seth about everyone choosing a thing to do in my case thats what works he’ll put the baby to bed and ill cook dinner and clean kitchen by the time he is home ive done half the work he wont know and he’ll choose taking care of the baby (thinking he has the easy part) and without him noticing he is helping i hope that could work with the rest of the house work

[Anonymous]

I totally sympathize with all of you!!! You know how you can tell your DH to do something 100 times and it makes no difference? Or how you can drop HUGE hints that you’d like for them to help out more and take initiative and it makes no difference? Well I don’t know WHY the last time I said something finally hit home but one night I made a comment about him doing NOTHING around the house (he helps with Sarah…I’m talking more about housework kind of stuff). Whatever/however I said it…I think it finally sunk in! He has been almost like a different man the past month. We swap bedtime routine. Usually one of us will do bath while the other starts dinner and then we’ll trade after bath for bedtime/finish dinner. It’s been fantastic.

Again…I don’t know WHY the last time I said it finally made a difference to him but maybe if you nag enough and drop enough hints like I had to do it will finally help????

I’ve been on an organizational kick this week. Must be related to PMS!! I told DH his responsibility was to watch Sarah tomorrow so I could finally get the house in order. Amazingly…he agreed!!! Now watch…b/c I posted this things will go downhill and I’ll be doing EVERYTHING again. That would be just my luck!

Life is so much easier now that things are 50/50. I agree with the other posters to wait until a good moment to discuss it and possibly even make a list of things that need to be done around the house through the week and try to compromise on some of the tasks? Good luck I know how difficult it can be!

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