infant psychiatry….

[Anonymous]

OMG, how did you contain yourself when he said all those things? I cant believe he actually told the doc that it isnt the thrill of his life to play with Hailey and that your older one is more fun. I would have about died! I’d be giving my dh the Look of Death. Sometimes theres such a thing as “too much honesty”. No wonder the doc wants your hubby to come to the next appt. He probably thinks he’ll get more interesting info out of him.

I’ve had to actually tell my husband to “be quiet” during an appointment. He could go on forever talking about stuff that I do. He thinks its fun to embarrass me. He even thought it was cute to mention our sex life to the doc during a particular discussion about breast feeding. If he’s not cracking jokes, then he’s making me look like an irrational, over-protective mom at times. I’ve pretty much banned him from any and all appointments unless they are really important ones.

[Anonymous]

I know, Lisa. Basically I just sat there and breathed very slowly because I knew if I made any comments the psychiatrist would say that I’m controlling, and maybe I also try to control Hailey’s eating. So basically I just sat there, and didn’t say anything… until we got into the car! Then I blasted him! He basically said that he thinks that we should be as honest as possible and tell him everything, because maybe something we are doing is making it worse, or maybe even did cause things. He said that he figures that he really doesn’t care what this guy thinks of him, so he may as well tell the truth.

It took me off guard when he said it too because it sounds so awful, but I guess that’s how he feels. He is actually a good husband and a very good father, but I think that he finds the toddler stage to be more rewarding than the infant stage because of all that you get back as the grow. He certainly didn’t explain himself well, that’s for sure. I just couldn’t believe that he said it out loud.

[Anonymous]

you mean you are going back?

christine

[Anonymous]

Christine, I’m going back on Tuesday because we left him with a videotape of me feeding Hailey. He did not give us ANY recommendations, or even completely articulate his whole impression of the situation. I feel like if I sat there for 3 hours through endless questions, then I can at least go back and catch the ending. I really do not plan on going back after that, unless he surprises me after seeing the video and changes his tune- but he’s going to have to have some pretty good recommendations for us to keep going back. As you know, I’m pretty desperate for help, so I’ll basically hear the guy out. But, depending on what he says, I also plan on making him hear me out!

[Anonymous]

“then I can at least go back and catch the ending.” LOL!LOL!LOL! and when it comes to psychiatry, kevin would say, “….and how do you feel about that?”

[Anonymous]

LOL!!! After we left, my husband kept asking all day “and how did that make you feel?”.

[Anonymous]

We went back for our second and last visit to the psychiatrist on Tuesday (I know, happy Valentine’s day to me). It was really an emotional visit, and I have to say that I absolutely lost it. I was quite ashamed after, actually. I’ve never yelled at a health professional like that before.

When we got to the office he told us that he watched the video and two possibilities come to mind: 1. That there’s a physical cause to things, which I keep insisting on. or 2. That there’s something interactional that’s causing things. I asked him to elaborate and he said that sometimes the feeding interaction is too forceful and that causes the child to not want to eat. I bit my tongue when he said this the first time. Then he recapped my turbulent pregnancy, and Hailey’s birth, and then said “You mentioned that you always felt like even though she was sucking she never wanted to eat, and that she stopped eating at 8 weeks- going down to less than 8oz a day for a few days- yet she ‘miraculously’ still gained weight. So this tells us that even though you say she wasn’t eating she was still getting enough”. That was when I went absolutely nuts and the remainder of the appointment was actually a blur.

I started screaming at the guy that I’m sick and tired of being ignored because Hailey’s not yet FTT. That I have a child who takes no solids and less than 20 oz of formula a day, and yet she’s not being followed by ANYONE and has not had a weight check for almost 2 months by the doctor. I told him that I wouldn’t accept someone telling me that there was a problem with my child is she was the first percentile but seemed otherwise healthy and demonstrated normal eating behaviours, and I won’t let people tell me that there’s nothing wrong with her just because she isn’t off the charts. I also told him that I don’t appreciate being told that it’s interactional in that I’ve forced her to eat, because I haven’t, and I also don’t appreciate the sarcastic tone in his comments i.e. “…you claim she didn’t eat yet she miraculously gained weight”. I also told him that some of the comments he made the week prior along the same lines didn’t sit well with me, and I found to be quite rude in tone. I told him that the reason Hailey has gained weight is because I have dedicated my life to feeding her and basically stay at home all day, but she is getting busier and more active and we won’t be able to keep the pounds on as easily at that point unless she wants to eat. He said that he agrees that the feeding relationship is definitely not normal and time consuming, but that it doesn’t look like the kind of thing that he usually sees- but he wouldn’t elaborate further. He said for that reason it could be a physical cause like I suggest, but moreso, it’s probably an interactional thing because her prior test results (upper GI only) came back normal. Again I went on ranting, how we haven’t had any other tests done, so how can anyone really know, and that I’m not prepared to dismiss her and sit here wasting my time with this “stupid cr**” when there could be something seriously going on with her. I also told him that I can accept that there’s a psychological component to things… that Hailey is certainly a stressed out baby probably because I had such a stressful pregnancy, and that it’s not easy to feed a baby who doesn’t want to eat, so of course it becomes interactional, but that I find it to be completely ridiculous to sit here going through all this Freudian garbage about my childhood, and my 5-year old self, and my parent’s divorce, and acting like I’m somehow harbouring something that I’m projecting onto Hailey causing her to not want to eat. I told him that I’m not there for psychotherapy and I find it all way too far out there to stomach. After I ranted and went off for half an hour, with the guy remaining completely calm and defending himself and constantly repeating “I can see that you’re angry, but have I offered you any psychotherapy? I don’t know where all this anger is coming from.”.

Then he said that he thinks that in light of his observations, he thinks that we should pursue further investigations to see if there’s something physical because I seem to be quite convinced of that, and if not, then we can return and deal with whatever might be going on from a psychiatric point of view (…that’s not likely going to happen!!).

But this is the part that bothered me the most. After the whole thing, my husband gets up, and finally speaks up and he says: “I have to say that I really like what you’re saying…we’ll look into the physical, and if that’s not it then we’ll come back and focus on the interaction. I didn’t say anything because Lori obviously had a lot to say, and I figured that you can both defend yourselves on your own. But I think that you’re right on target.” I swear that I wanted to file for divorce right on the spot. What is going on with my husband (or is it me?) He made me look even worse, and how could he say that after everything I said. I really feel like he should of stood behind me no matter what I said.

So we got into the car and had the Valentine’s day blowout of the century. I was already mad because he didn’t do ANYTHING for me…nothing- not a card, not a hug or a kiss, nothing. (In fact I kept waiting for something all day, but the whole day passed and all I got was a laughing “happy valentine’s day”. He did treat himself to time out for lunch and a haircut while I took care of Hailey at home.) So in the car he basically told me that he thinks that I’m becoming irrational about things. He said that I should have just left things when the guy said that we’ll look into the physical cause, but instead I was so annoyed by what I felt he was implying that I just went off and actually looked crazy. Then he said that it’s starting to get too much that I don’t trust any doctors, and that I think I know more than they do, and that I even think that I have to tell the pharmacist how to make medication. Then he said that he also thinks that we should have told the psychiatrist about “how we/I did a lot of yelling around and at Hailey when she was so fussy, and that might be the reason for why she’s so messed up now and won’t eat”.

I was just so hurt, that I really wanted to just get away from him. But then I thought that maybe it’s true, in part. Who knows if maybe all the times I said bad things to Hailey did do something. And I’m very ashamed to say that I did this a fair bit in the early months when things were jus too much to handle. Maybe I have started to go crazy from all of this, in that I feel like no one is ever doing enough or the right thing for Hailey. I do know though that if I just sat here and accepted what everyone said that we would have nothing done.

Anyhow, that’s basically the long story. Sorry for droning on, but I think that I had to get it off my chest. It’s been quite a week. So that’s it for us and infant psychiatry… I don’t think the poor guy knew what hit him (we were scheduled for an hour visit, but we’re ushered out of the office after about 35 minutes).

s&h’s mum2006-2-18 3:3:22

[Anonymous]

Oh My! I cannot say that you were wrong in getting upset and yelling at the guy! I probably would have too. Maybe if your dh took care of Hailey all of the time he would have felt differently. I am so sorry that this happened. Oh and the upper gi is the test they mentioned was normal! I swear the upper gi is just not so informative for us. The endoscopy answered all of our questions. Maybe you can get an endoscopy from them.

[Anonymous]

Sorry it was such a horrible visit Lori. Can this guy at least be of any help in pushing forward an endoscopy?

[Anonymous]

OMG Lori! I’m so sorry this appt went so horribly. I think you were justified when you stood your ground about Hailey’s physical issues (reflux) causing her eating aversion. This guy obviously hasnt seen a lot of cases with infants who refuse to eat. A physical cause would be the first reason that would come to mind….in my opinion. It is frustrating talking to professionals who dont take you seriously or dont feel that there is a problem because her weight is fine. I heard that same thing for 8 months. My ped said that obviously Noah was getting enough because he was staying on his growth curve. It didnt matter however that I had to spend hours a day feeding and syringing and sleep feeding. I didnt get taken seriously until I did the exact same thing you did…..I “went off” on the ped. Thats when he finally gave in and referred me to a GI. I too was ashamed and a bit embarrased at my behavior after “losing it”. But you know what….I finally got my point across and I was finally taken seriously. You are Hailey’s mom, and no one knows her better than you. You are her advocate and I applaud you for standing your ground and doing what ever it takes to get her the help that she needs. Hopefully now, you will be able to get some testing done.

I’m sorry you didnt get support from your husband during or after the appt. I do know how you feel as I have had similar situations with my husband as well. I have been told EXACTLY the same things from my husband. I’m over-reacting about Noahs feeding issues, I’m too irrational, I dont trust doctors, I think I know more than the docs do…etc etc. It is very hurtful when your spouse says these things. We’ve had an all out war because of this very same issue. I honestly dont think that men “get it” sometimes. And as a matter of fact, the GI we saw last week actually told my husband: “Mothers are wired differently than fathers. They are biologically programed to have a strong need to feed their baby. When that doesnt happen easily or naturally, it is very stressful for the mother. So I dont think your wife is making this up or exagerating, and I dont think she’s crazy”. FINALLY, a professional who understood and told my dh that it’s natural for the mother to be unbelievably stressed. I guess what I’m trying to say in a long, drawn out way, is that I think its normal for you to feel the way you do. Dont beat yourself up for the things you said out of frustion when Hailey was a young infant. I think we’ve all been there and done that. And when it seems like no one understands how you feel or what you’re going through, just remember that all of us here on this board DO undertand and DO know how difficult it can be.

Big hugs to you!

[Anonymous]

lori, what is hailey’s weight?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the support guys. Nice to know I can always come here to vent.

Christine, she’s almost 9 months, and just over 18 pounds or so. I think it’s near the 50th percentile.

[Anonymous]

has she had an endoscopy and a ph probe done?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry that you had such an awful experience. First, I wanted to say that maybe “typically” women are wired to have the stronger need to feed the baby, but that is definitely not the case in our household. I tend to be the more laid back one when it comes to eating and dh tends to be more high stress. Kaelyn has been refusing breakfast all week, and dh continues to try to force it on her while I keep saying that she’ll eat when she’s ready. I’m actually a little worried that he’s going to create an eating issue. At the same time, it also amuses me because normally he is the calm one in our relationship, so it’s kind of nice to see that he has his “hot points” as well.

I’m really not sure how to tactfully say this, but in many ways, I think that dh is right that you didn’t help your case at all by venting on the doctor, and that he is probably more convinced than ever that Hailey’s issues are “your problem” rather than a physical issue. That being said, I can totally see myself doing the exact same thing. You just reach a point where you are so frustrated and no one is helping so you just need to let off steam. On top of it all, even if he agreed with the doctor, I think that it was wrong of him to say it in the office. It had to be obvious to him (you would think) that you were not going to be able to interact with that doctor anymore, so nothing could be gained by him disagreeing with you at that point. It was the sort of thing that dh could have waited until you had gotten home and had cooled down before approaching it with you (just you) and asking if you had ever considered the possibility that the doctor had the right idea.)

[Anonymous]

Oh Lori. Hugs to you. I probably would have gone right off, same as you. There is no way that they can call this a psychological problem until they have ruled out all other possibilities by testing. So sorry your dh was not so supportive. I am so lucky that my DH is a stay at home dad so he totally knows everything about Tyler and how hard he can be.

Please keep pushing for testing, I hope you can get some real answers soon.

[Author]

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