Infantreflux.org | Holding baby often

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June 13, 2006 at 10:14 am #9671

Anonymous
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My son is complaining that Elijah’s mom picks him up at every whimper.
I doubt it is at every “whimper” as she has told me she has learned
when he is just fussing and will go to sleep etc.

My son thinks that Elijah will be 4 year old and mommy won’t be able to put him down.

Since he got a walker, he loves being able to get around and entertain
himself and usually tells mommy when he wants to be picked up.

He also is VERY active and tries to climb out of your arms and is now crawling:)

Part of the problem is that they found out there is lead in the building and he can’t even crawl on the floor right now.

I am sure once he starts to walk mom will be chasing him down most of the time, instead of having to hold him all of the time.

I have tried to explain to my son that his son is different from most
babies as he has GERD. Mom knows, and Dad should know that when a baby
gets really upset the GERD gets worse and then it takes even more time
to calm him down.

Elijah went to his great grammys for a week and he came home feeling
like he gained 5 lbs. great grammy was trying to get him to eat more
during the day so that he will not wake up as much at night.

Now it seems his acid reflux is getting bad again, he is only on 2
doses a day so I guess mom and I will send another fax or put in a call
to the Pedi GI but she is a tough nut to crack.

Every single time great grammy has access to Elijah, is acid gets
worse. Mom is shy, loves her grammy and doesn’t say much to her when
she wants to do things like give him karo syrup so he will have formed
stools so they can be flushed, again giving him more food (she was
feeding him rice cereal when he was 2 months old, again, so he would
have formed stools and sleep through the night. All he got out of that
was GERD. (it seems at least)

Anyway, what say you all regarding picking up GERDlings when they cry?

My 6 sons were easy. I BF until they were 6 months old then when on the
bottle I could just lie them down with a bottle and they would go to
sleep (at Elijahs age)

I never let them cry it out, but I didn’t need to, there were just
never any problems of them crying often and needing to be held. Of
course, they still woke up even after they had been sleeping through
the night but again, a feed and no problem back to sleep.

But with Elijah, he has had so much pain with GERD that went virtually
untreated and I think mom is in tune with his pain cries as opposed to
just fussing.

How do you get dad to realize that a baby cries because it has a need?
Maybe it is pain, maybe hunger, maybe he is lonely, maybe he wants to
play, maybe he is tired but can’t get himself to sleep.

My son just keeps on saying “Open up any baby book or magazine or go on
line and “THEY” will tell you not to pick up a baby everytime he fusses
because then the child will always want to be held.

Anyone else have this problem? One parent not realizing that their child is different because of the GERD?

Any words of wisdom?

June 13, 2006 at 10:56 am #9672

hellbennt
Keymaster

Oh my YES, I have words

This is a BIG PET PEEVE of mine…

This is MY opinion: YOU CANNOT SPOIL A BABY

when a baby (more like a toddler/preschooler!) becomes old enough to KNOW how to ‘manipulate’ (I hate this term!!! and one can argue what age that is, exactly…ME, I say about 2 or 2 & 1/2 when they have more developed verbal skills and you can try to reason with them, more or less) THEN & only then you can talk about spoiling them…

Time flies and there comes a time (I’m seeing this now at 3yrs) when a child will not want your affection– “no hug! no kiss!” and that is that. I truly believe in getting in all the holding, cuddling, kissing, tenderness while the getting is good!!!!

I am way into babywearing- & that is holding your baby (with the aid of a carrier- I’ve written a LOT about this- I’ll give you the link if you want) as much as you and/or s/he wants…I do not believe this stunts their development or growth. If a worn baby doesn’t want to be worn, believe you me, s/he will make her/himself known- squirm, wiggle, cry, etc. Then you take the baby out of the carrier, plop him down on a blanket, boucy, excersaucer, whatever and go about your day.

Jonah was worn a lot (there are those that are worn even more!) and he is independent, social, outgoing, etc.!!

I think they all have their own timetables and a late walker will be a late walker regardless if mama or daddy or whomever carries/holds them…And an early crawler will be off & crawling despite how much a person tries to hold them!

Ok, you asked

SO SPOIL THOSE BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they’ll be big way too soon!!!

~laura

PS: buy your son any book from Dr. Sears

http://www.askdrsears.com

show him the site, show him the part where there are charts to figure out over the counter medicines dosing, like this: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/8/T089101.asp

show him he’s a REAL DOCTOR and then he can read on his parenting philosophies

he even promotes babywearing: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051100.asp

hellbennt2006-6-13 10:59:28

June 13, 2006 at 11:11 am #9673

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks Laura, although I did not wear my babies (I did have a snuggly
type thing for walks, store etc) I was on a listserve for quite a few
years, my youngest was maybe 13 when I found it and I saw how baby
wearing, co-sleeping, gentle parenting can be wonderful for a child,
especially high needs children.

The list was PAM (Parenting As a Ministry). It is a Christian group
that is wonderful, they use alot of Dr Sear’s advice and are very
anti-Ezzo.

So I know from their expereinces, that you can not spoil a baby and
some babies are high need and need more touch than others and still
grow up to be independent capable adults.

Elijah’s mom was going to try co-sleeping and even had a co-sleeper
between her and my son but there was not enough room and she was afraid
that she would roll over on the baby.

So she is in tune with gentle parenting and the needs of her son to be
held. She is comforted by you guys knowing that GERD babies like to be
held a lot. It does frustrate her at times and she brings him down to
me which is fine with me:)

Any other words of wisdom?

Any scientific studies that shows parents response to a babies need to be held does NOT make them spoiled?

I know the truth, I held my babies a lot and loved to cuddle with them.
Actually, now that they are grown, looking back that was the time I
treasured most.

June 13, 2006 at 11:20 am #9674

Anonymous
Inactive

Although my husband is great with my twins, he is really in tune with their different cries, I have friends with husbands who just don’t get it. So, m advice….have mom leave early in the morning, like 8 am and not return till like 8 pm…leave dad alone all by himself with baby. Grams, you take off too, go out with your DIL….one day alone with baby and I bet dad will have a new tune.

June 13, 2006 at 11:29 am #9677

hellbennt
Keymaster

well, http://www.thebabywearer.com is a great place to start- there’s parenting forums, general forums, etc- not ‘just’ about babywearing and carriers…

here’s articles they linked to:

http://www.evalillian.com/Crying.aspx

http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/in-arms.html

http://www.naturalchild.com/research/emotional_learning_infa nts.html

hellbennt2006-6-13 12:21:38

June 13, 2006 at 12:51 pm #9681

Anonymous
Inactive

My philosophy (and one I’ve seen in print) is that “a need not met will not go away.” If you force your little one to grow up and be independent before he is ready, he will be more needy and less independent when he grows up.

I have often joked that Myles is spoiled, and boy is he! But he’s a baby and he needs me. For the last six weeks his need for mommy peaked to a point where I could not put him down EVER for even ONE MINUTE. He’d freak out as soon as he sensed me loweing him to the ground or saw me turning my body to walk away. In short his separation anxiety (normal at this age) was at is peak. It was expasperating to say the least and I complained about it, felt like a hostage, and desperately wanted him to “grow up a little.” But I did what most intuitive and senstive mom’s do. I gave him as much attention and held him as much as he wanted to be held and, guess what? He now will sit happily and play for 10 or even 20 minutes as long as he can see me. What a relief!! And I don’t regret for one minute that I held him when he wanted to be held.

They grow up so fast and a baby who feels secure and safe WILL cut the apron strings himself and venture out on his own. Eventually their intense curiosity and drive to explore and move takes over and if they’ve been given what they need (safety and security by having their needs met) they will gradually venture away from the saftey of mom’s arms because they know that mom will be there for them when they need her. They will only have this security if their need to be held safely in mom’s arms was met when it was needed.

This is the way I mothered all of my children and cared for babies as a nanny and they all developed to a point where they wanted to play and explore more and be held less.

Tell your son not to try to make a man out of his little boy too soon because he’ll make him an insecure man if he tries too early.

June 13, 2006 at 1:34 pm #9683

Anonymous
Inactive

Oh I do have some words of advice… my son is now 21 months and has outgrown his reflux (he had it until about 1 year) However…the ONLY thing that halfway worked for us was me carrying him from the time he woke up in the am until he went to sleep. It got better when he could walk, but I think staying in one place was very hard for him and when we walked around there was some distraction and he did not always have to be reminded of how uncomfortable his reflux made him. PLEASE let your son know this…

Tina:)

June 13, 2006 at 11:03 pm #9709

Anonymous
Inactive

Christine… you have a wonderful philosophy, its very enduring. Elijah’s Grammy… There is always that one kiddo that enters school totally spoiled, can’t solve his/her own problems, and ultimately never respects others feeling. I had a 4yr old last year like that, but the real problem is the parent that actually carries the 4 yr old on the hip! I can’t believe it when I see it, but yes it happens every year.

Baby wearing saved us! We have a hot sling and hubby even asked me for one last month so he could join in too.

At around 7 months, when dd’s dose of ppi was increased, she was very content, but still a very difficult child to calm, she gets so worked up when she is upset (can’t even cuddle with the child). I started putting her in her crib to CIO alittle because I seriously believed she needed to learn to calm herself. She cried for 5 mins and then went to sleep, even started this sort of grunting routine which is probably her own calming mechanism. It’s not for every baby, and these kiddos sure have gone through alot, so I understand why they need constant comfort. Maybe he will be ready at around 9 months or even a year for starting a routine that works for him. I guess the key will be consistent parenting at that time. Having a schedule and following the same routine every night was impossible at the 6 month mark.

Exciting that he is “on the move” ! Sounds like he has alot of people that love him to chase him around. Good luck with the med. increase hope the gi goes for it!

June 14, 2006 at 11:57 am #9738

Anonymous
Inactive

your daughter -in- law is certainly lucky to have a mother- in- law that is not critical of her and supports the way she is raising her child.

i’d be all for moving outof a building with lead in it. YIKES!!

kevieb2006-6-14 11:59:8

June 14, 2006 at 5:46 pm #9786

Anonymous
Inactive

Zachary still goes through times where he wants to be held but there
are other times where all he wants to do is run around. He is
definitely a very independent 1 year old and was held constantly the
first 5 months of his life until the reflux was under control.
There are days that I wish he would want me to hold him more. I
hope your daughter-in-law knows how lucky she is…..I have a wonderful
mother-in-law as well but my sister doesn’t have that luck so I know
what a wonderful thing it is to have that support as well. Good
luck!

June 14, 2006 at 9:36 pm #9810

Anonymous
Inactive

I just wanted to add in on this since we are going through the same thing. I have had many health professionals tell me that I need to let Hailey cry and not to “feed into it and promote her crying”. One doc actually discharged us and referred us to a psychologist so that we can get strategies to help us deal with learning to let Hailey cry. I’m not big on tough love, and I don’t believe that babies need to be left to cry to learn independence. Especially sick babies. We have been seeing an OT who comes to our house, and she wants me to leave Hailey to cry and not to comfort her if she’s upset. I refuse to do this, and I told her so. I don’t think that this will spoil Hailey, in fact, I think it will teach her to be secure because she knows that I’m there for her. These kids have been through so many things in their young lives, tests and appointments and procedures that would make grown adults cry and worry. They’ve suffered pain that no babies should have to endure. And so I say hold them without abandon. Because before you can blink, they’ll be running around and won’t want to be held.

June 22, 2006 at 5:28 pm #10327

Anonymous
Inactive

AMEN to that! I am VERY VERY VERY on the side of holding babies who want and need to be held. My son has severe GERD and other problems with food allergies/sensitivities nad I held him so much, carried him in a sling, I even joked that I needed a velcro shirt so I could just velcro him to my body! I tried holding him in my sleep MANY MANY nights to keep him more upright so we could both get a little sleep. My husband worried (sometimed outloud, probably mostly to himself) that Lucas would be a “momma’s boy” and not be independant because I responded to him when he cries. He’s 21 mos old now and is the most independant of all the children in our playgroup. He is social, outgoing, friendly, and loves to run away from me at the park or other public places. He’s the total opposite of clingy. But to answer your questions about his reflux, he needed a LOT of holding and love to help him feel better….especially when the teething started. I often noticed that while holding him he would burp so much better and could get himself into a more comfortable position. This is still true at this age, he’s teething right now and has been very fussy and clingy for a few days and when I pick him up he’s burping and refluxing, and I can just TELL that me being there is helping his pain.

Get your son the Dr. Sears book, his Baby Book, or any of his books, like Laura suggested. He says that held babies are happy babies and especially little GERD-lings. He also points out the social benefits of wearing your baby, etc. etc. Your daughter-in-law is so lucky to have you around!! A little bit of education can go a long way on these things …but regardless, if your daughter in law can stand to wait it out, your son will soon see the benefits of a “hands-on-mother” for his child with reflux. My husband has been eating his words for months now. I LOVE pointing out how independant Lucas has become and how well he plays by himself and with others and how he doesn’t seem to have residual sleep issues even though he screamed every night for nearly 18 months straight. Your proof will be in your adorable grandson, eventually!!

June 22, 2006 at 5:41 pm #10329

Anonymous
Inactive

Anne, does that mean that Lucas is sleeping now? That’s great!

June 24, 2006 at 9:43 am #10426

Anonymous
Inactive

Lori,

Thanks for asking, he’s sleeping so much better. I think last night he woke at 1 am and then again at 6…and this is during teething. He recently slept for 11 hrs. straight one night…the best night we’ve ever had. I keep telling Ryan that we’re throwing a party when he has all his teeth. We meet with the allergist June 30 to talk about RAST food allergy test results nad teh celiac disease blood test results. None of these tests are fully conclusive, but will help point us in a direction, possibly. Taking gluten out of our diet has truly changed our lives.

You are so amazing to tell these therapists that you won’t just leave Hailey. I can’t imagine hearing professional telling me that sort of thing about my child who is sick. Hang in there, I see you’ve got an endoscopy scheduled, too. Yea!

June 24, 2006 at 9:35 pm #10452

Anonymous
Inactive

Anne, you must have been so elated to get 11 hours of sleep. I honestly can’t even imagine such a thing. Hopefully it will happen one day (please?)! Good luck with the allergist. Curiously, do food allergies run in your family?

SORRY, didn’t realize I’d been hijacking!

s&h’s mum2006-6-24 21:35:43
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