An update on us

[Anonymous]

Well it’s been a while since I posted an update on us. We’ve had quite a few changes around here.

You might remember me posting a while back about Hailey’s extreme anxiety issues and difficult crying episodes. Well we went to see a psychologist at around 11 months. She told us to keep leaving her places for a short amount of time, and to try to get out to more baby groups. We had started doing this before seeing her anyhow, so I was glad that she felt this would help things. Hailey had a rough start, but the more we started getting out, the less anxious she gradually got. We started going to the park, a reading group at the library, and a music class. She really started to love all three. She was still reserved, but not anxious. We were able to take her to people’s houses, and she wouldn’t scream and cry anymore. She would even leave us, and go play on her own, which was a big difference.

As for feeding, she still sleep feeds her bottles, but she tastes some solids. Very small amounts. We were discharged from feeding therapy last week as the therapist felt that she was doing well, even though her appetite was terrible, and she doesn’t eat enough to sustain herself.

She is still up many times at night, and the reflux is still quite bad. Her scope is scheduled for next week, so maybe that will give some answers.

Here’s the big change…

Since she was doing so well socially (happy, walking, laughing all the time, talking, smiling) we decided to give day care a try. I was offered a part time job at another site of the hospital that I work at. It’s 3 days one week, and two days another week. I really wasn’t sure what to do, but decided tht I had to give it a try and see if Hailey could handle it, because it’s a very good opportunity for me. I started going with Hailey to the daycare last week (the same one where Sarah goes, only in the baby room), and by the end of the week, I started leaving her for half the day. I stayed and watched her through a “spying” window. She didn’t cry too much, but she also didn’t eat or drink anything.

The problem has been that even though she isn’t really crying too much at the daycare, the second I go to get her, she starts sobbing inconsolably. She cried for almost an hour on Friday when I went to get her. She cried the whole car ride home. Then the MAJOR separation anxiety started. She was screaming and crying any time that I wasn’t holding her. She wouldn’t let me put her down for a second without screaming. She wouldn’t sit in her chair to eat, she wouldn’t go in the car without going hysterical thinking we’re going back to the daycare. Her sleep detiorated even worse if possible. She wouldn’t let me put her down at night either. But since it was a long weekend, she seemed to forget about it by yesterday, and was back to her normal self. But then when I dropped her off this morning, it all started again.

I know that some of you have worked in childcare. Does this sound normal or abnormal? How long can it go on for before she’s harmed? I hate to let her cry (as you all know… probably to a point that isn’t healthy). I can’t stop crying about it myself, but I know that now that we’ve started down this road, we have to give it a fair chance before we decide that it isn’t working. I just don’t know how long that is. Some people have said two months… I don’t know how I can hang on that long. I’m supposed to start work tomorrow and I’m a wreck. My patients are going to wonder why their therapist is crying!!!

Does anyone have any advice? I went through this with Sarah, but she cried a lot while she was there, and then was fine when I brought her home. With Hailey, I’m so worried about everything affecting her reflux and eating, or about causing her any emotional upset.

[Anonymous]

Lori:

I guess I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I am thinking about you and hope it gets better soon!! My kids were both so little (2 months) when they started daycare that sometimes I think daycare is more home than home is. Hang in there!!

Robin

[Anonymous]

I don’t have much advice either but I have heard that Hailey’s reaction is

quite normal (although I know that doesn’t make it any easier). The only

things I’ve heard that help are making sure to spend a ton of extra time with

the child, as I’m sure you’re doing, when at home and that it will eventually

pass. Does she have a lovey or security blanket or doll that she brings with

her? Can her big sister visit her at some point during the day to help ease

things?

I’m so sorry this is another rough patch and hope things get better soon.

Good luck also with the scope – I know you’ve waited forever for it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Robin.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry – i have no real advice because Matthew has never been in daycare and i have no idea what is normal and what is not… Separation anxiety is really really tough – you have to go with what you think is best… and it will be the right decision but i think that it is going to be tough either way (If you go back to work because you will suffer while working and if you do not because you will feel like you have given up an opportunity…)

((HUGS))

[Anonymous]

We had this problem with Isaac about 2 months ago. The dr said it was normal and it was just him adjusting to a new situation. He told us to comfort him for a couple of minutes and if that didn’t help then let him cry (which really kills me). It took about a week of that and he was fine.

I am glad to hear that she is doing better! I will be praying for her scope next week!

[Anonymous]

Lori,

I’m so impressed with the big changes you’ve been making and that you’ve taken the big step of trying day care for Hailey. In the long run a part time job for you, and some time away from home and with playmates will probably be great for Hailey.

I’m not sure what I would do in your situation. I’m an absolute marshmallow when it comes to my children screaming and crying in separation situations. I took the girls out of swim classes because they both screamed hysterically, wouldn’t get into the pool, and wouldn’t let me leave them; so I’m really the last person to give advice in this situation.

I can tell you that as a nanny I did see this kind of behavior all the time. One baby I remember distinctly would be fine all day with me and the second his mommy came home he would dissolve into hysteria and demand to be held by her constantly. I don’t know how long this went on after I left but she (the mom) used to be very upset and concerned about it. She said he was very clingy when she was home on weekends, but during the week with me he was quite the opposite. I saw this a lot when I worked in daycare as well. Moms would come to get their babies who were playing happily and the baby would cry and cling, and the newer moms would be concerned that the baby had been crying all day, which they never were.

Separation anxiety really is the norm for infants and toddlers, and my gut feeling is that Hailey’s anxiety is on the high side but that she would adapt with time if you stuck with it. Like I said I’m not one to give advice because I can’t stand to leave my own children, but I think I’d give it some time because it really sounds like a very good opportunity for you and it will likely benefit Hailey as well.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Lori, thanks for the update. I am sorry she is having such a hard time at daycare. I have worked in a couple day cares and have seen some kids with pretty major separation anxiety. They did all get over it enough to calm down and have fun during the day, but I remember one little boy that always cried when his mom left.

My best advice would be to make the good bye quick the longer it gets dragged out the more upset they get. Just give her a hug and kiss and tell her you will be back soon and get out of there.

As far as her being all over you at home I don’t have much advice since I have not been on that end yet. You should probably try to stick it out for a while at least. It sounds like it takes her a little longer to get used to new things. Maybe she will surprise you and come around.

How is Sara doing? Has she gotten any better with the behavior issues?

I hope things get better so you can really enjoy this new job opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lori,
I’m sorry – it must be so hard to be pulled in two directions like that. I know how you feel though. When Bryce was in the hospital, my husband and I had to leave our older boys with his parents. We were away from them for a whole month (although we saw them briefly every few days). Every time we would come home, Parker would act the same way you say Hailey is acting – he wouldn’t let me walk across the room with out screaming and crying. He wanted me to hold him constantly, and he was fussy all the time. It broke my heart to leave him again each time. I was so afraid we were harming him emotionally. When we finally were able to bring Bryce home, Parker acted like this for a couple of weeks, and then he finally readjusted and realized that even if I did leave, I’d be back. So I’m not sure – another week or so might be enough for her to adjust. I hope everything turns out okay!

[Anonymous]

Hi Lori, first of all, congratulations on your job! I hope the daycare situation will work out as I think you more than deserve a break even if it is work!

For the crying, Seth’s behavior has never been that extreme but he definitely has had the separation anxiety at daycare. We just recently went through a bad time where he did not want to stay in the mornings for several reasons I think- getting over a virus, getting used to staying at home with Daddy some in the summer, being in a new room, etc. One day he even laid down on the floor and kicked and screamed, something he has never done before(of course it did not help that Dh brought him back home when he did this)! He also cries in the afternoons sometimes if he sees me coming down the hall which I used to think was so weird because I thought maybe he did not want to go home but I finally figured out he was afraid that I was not going to get him! So, yes it is terrible and breaks your heart to leave them but I know (because I call), he always settles down right after I leave.

Seth’s daycare director used to always tell me if they had to go to daycare, it was an easier transition if they start young before they know any different which of course was out of the question for you. So, I imagine it will be an even bigger adjustment for Hailey since she has been through so much on top of always being with mommy. I would give it a few days and see how it goes even though it will be traumatic for you. I actually see it as a I good sign she is somewhat content while she is there. I would be a lot more concerned if she cried all day too.

Good luck and definitely keep us posted how it goes!

[Anonymous]

Hi Lori,

We did see the seperation anxiety with Dylan at daycare, but again, it was not the same as Hailey. I would say stick with it, though. I think she will adjust, and I would imagine, that some of it is for your benefit. Dylan always knew how to pull at my heart strings as I was leaving, but after a couple of weeks, he would stop as soon as I left. He just had to see if he could get me to come back, but I always stayed consistant no matter how hard it was. I did manage to get to the car before crying myself a couple of times, but after a while, he loved it! Now, these are also the ones who kicked him out of daycare, but that’s another story.

I think it is great for you to get something for yourself and in addition if it’s a great opportunity, it is even better. I needed time away from Dylan to deal better with his social issues. The hard parts are that you never know what to expect anywhere you go. I would have awful anxiety and feel so tense whenever it was time to go anywhere with him. Being back at work, I actually can see how tense I was when I was home full time with him. We are both doing better that we each have more that is our own….

[Anonymous]

Hi Lori – thanks for the update and congratulations on the job opportunity! Sounds great.

Nate and Zach both started in day care at 3 months so I didn’t have the
initial anxiety with either of them but…..since my husband is a
teacher and home with them all summer and over the holidays, it’s
always a struggle getting them back into the “daycare routine” after
those vacations. Although, I’m sure it’s not as bad as poor
Hailey, I do think she will eventually know that you will always be
back and she will handle it better every day. Is there a way that
Sarah can visit her quickly throughout the day? Do you drop her
off and pick her up too? A friend of mine who was having those
issues with her daughter had the daycare director indicate to her that
it is easier for those with anxiety issues to have the same parent drop
them off and pick them up because then the child understands that the
same parent will be back to get them.

It sounds like some of her issues are getting better, now another one
to battle but I’m sure she’ll get through it. She’s so lucky to
have a wonderful mommy to help her get through this. Keep us
posted. Big hugs from Zach and I…

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. It is hard, but I think we have to give it a bit of a chance. The people at the daycare think that she’s doing all right, but the issue is that she’s so anxious that she’s not eating or drinking while she’s there. Hopefully that will pass, but it’s very stressful in the meantime. Today she did cry when I dropped her and on and off throughout the day, but they assured me that it wasn’t prolonged, all day long. Thanks so much for the support. I felt a lot of guilt about trying this out, but was hoping that it would work out in the end. I really felt awful to even post that I was going to try to work part time… I felt like you guys might think bad of me, knowing how difficult that Hailey has had things. Believe me, that I’d rather be home with her, but that we need the money after I’ve been off for so long. Thanks again for the support. I really hope that this works out for us.

[Anonymous]

Lori,

I definitely don’t think bad of you at all for going back to work. I think it’s a great opportunity for you, and I think it may end up being a good thing for Hailey. Once she adapts and and you get past the transitional period, you will have an ideal situation. Three days one week, two days the next. What could be better than that?! Part time work for moms is the best of both worlds. You’re still home alot but you have a life of your own as well. I wish I could do it but circumstances here make it impossible for me to work outside the home. Believe me if I could I would work part time I’d be running out the door to find a job!!

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think badly at all! I think that everyone needs something of their own. It is important to give to ourselves a little bit (even if it is work) so that we have more to give to our children. I always have that guilt being away, but our time together is now all quality time.

Good for you doing this! It is an important lesson to teach your children as well to take care of themselves as well as others

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