daycare or not? need advice!

[Anonymous]

Lori ~ I don’t have time to read through all of the posts but I saw this and wanted to respond really quick because our dd’s are similar. I went back to work when Hailey was 5 months. I was a wreck. Daycare has been WONDERFUL for Hailey. She immediately took to it, she ate better and slept better for them. She’s only in daycare two days a week so it’s not exactly apples to apples but I just wanted to share that we had a really positive experience with it. She also did not have a very sick first year. debit342006-3-3 11:55:0

[Anonymous]

Lori, it’s been a crazy few days for us, so I’m just seeing this post. First off, you absolutely are not a bad mother for feeling the need to vent. As Thais said, I think that we all need to find a release or we’ll go nuts (or do something we regret). So, this is actually a really healthy outlet.

I know that Kaelyn had very different issues, but I just wanted to share our positive day care experience. I went back to work when she was 9 weeks old, and I was an absolute wreck about it. However, it turned out to be the best thing that I could have done. Eating was rarely an issue for her, however, sleeping was a major issue. Almost immediately she started sleeping more. She also loved other babies, so she would spend tons of time being fascinated by the other babies in the room with her. This helped a bunch with her “rough times”. It was like the other babies and the activity in the room made her forget how fussy she was and how yucky she felt. There were so many times when she would have had an awful night and I would call at lunch to check on her and they would tell me that she was having a great day.

Lately, we’ve actually had the reverse situation. Kaelyn is basically refusing to eat for us, but is eating okay for them (not great, but definitely better than at home). However, she does really well with naps for us, but never naps as long at day care. I think that she’s worried that she’ll miss something.

As someone else posted, I think that going back to work saved my sanity. On her really bad days, I worried about leaving her, but I was able to focus on something other than her for most of the day. I wasn’t any more rested when I got home than I would have been, but mentally I was much better prepared to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Kim. DH and I are going to discuss it over the weekend. I think we might postpone my return to work until 15 months, and then see how it goes. Not sure, but just something we’re thinking about. It really is such a hard decision.

[Anonymous]

Hate to say it, but my little guy eats better and sleeps better at daycare. That little stinker!!! I remember telling the different daycare moms “he’ll never fall asleep, he’ll fight it”. But, he sees the other kids and ‘monkey see, monkey do’ – “oh he goes right down for me” the daycare lady says, as I grind my teeth. He follows directions and all kinds of stuff that he doesn’t do at home (like sit at the table and stay there ’til he’s done eating). He won’t drink milk for me at home, but will guzzle it down at daycare. I don’t think it’s cause I’m a bad mom, Just don’t underestimate the power of Peer Pressure! They can pick up bad habbits from daycare, but I have only noticed “good habbits” that my son has picked up. Hope that helps you in your decision making.

Does your daughter hold her own bottle yet? I don’t think my son did until he was 11 months old. Maybe give her the bottle and leave the room (out of her sight, but you can still see her), and see if she’ll drink more that way. Between 1-2 yrs, I’d have to leave the room for my son to eat, or he’d “put on a show” and throw everything.

[Anonymous]

Marsha, Hailey has a serious feeding aversion and not only does she not hold her bottle, but she needs to be asleep to take it- even then she takes less than 20 oz a day. She also takes no solids to speak of, though she used to take them eagerly just in small amounts.

My concern of putting her in daycare, is that what is going to happen when she doesn’t eat. They won’t take the time to feed her like I do, and in Hailey’s case, it’s not as simple as saying she’ll eventually eat if she’s hungry enough. We’ve had circumstances where she wouldn’t eat for over half a day because we went out and couldn’t sleep feed. Or sometimes she just arches and pushes away. I also have a 2.5 year old (non gerdling) and her eating has not rubbed off on Hailey any. Other than that, my other big concern is that Hailey has what our pediatrician has called “social anxiety”. He says it’s beyond the normal separation anxiety that all babies have. Sometimes if we even go into a store that for some reason makes her nervous, or into someone’s house, or someone comes over, or looks at her, she goes absolutely nuts and starts violently screaming and crying and she won’t stop until we leave the situation- she does this at her medical appointments and we could be there for over an hour and she won’t stop until I put her coat on to leave. Needless to say, I’m so scared that she will just scream an cry nonstop and develop some kind of emotional problem (more than what she has already). I know that part of this has been because she screams and cries and vomits in those circumstances, and because we’ve been so concerned about her intake, we have avoided situations where this happens which I think has compounded the problem.

I actually think that kids learn amazing things from daycare, and that normally, the only real drawback is the constant sickness, but in Hailey’s case, I’m really not sure what’s right. I partly think that maybe she’ll do better with other people caring for her, but then my gut instincts say no. My husband is also totally against putting her in daycare unless she eats, and feels like we can’t take that chance.

[Anonymous]

This has been much talked about on the board, hopefully all of the posts are not lost. Like you, I was terrified that they would not be able to handle Seth at daycare and worried about returning to work (and I am on the premises with him so I can see him anytime) but me going back was the best thing for both of us. He actually did better at daycare then at home and it was a much needed break for me. I think the other babies and different environment kept his mind off of the reflux. They were also able to get him on a regular nap and feeding routine which is something I was never able to do. I feared his teachers would freak out about all of his special needs but they had experience with reflux babies and did not think twice about all of my requests.

I did, however, go semi part-time after about nine months back at work. I was out a lot with him and it just got to be more than I could handle. Is this maybe something your employer may let you do? It is sort of the best of both worlds in my opinion. The crazy thing is I think Seth is actually bored when we are at home and misses going to school (he gets so excited when he goes back after being out) so this reinforces to me that daycare was the right thing for him. I am trying to find a neighborhood playgroup for him on our off days.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It is a tough decision.

[Anonymous]

Lori–
I know how hard this has been for you. I just wanted to add that when I finally got a good doctor and figured out some things that would really help Robbie I wrote a very long, very nice letter to daycare explaining everything that Robbie needed and thanking them profusely (even if I didn’t exactly always mean it ) for helping, etc. I just wanted to let you know that there are things you can do when you decide that Hailey can go to daycare that will ensure that they are on your side.
Sarah

[Anonymous]

Oh Lori, I wish I had the answer for you. Although Zach had very
different issues than Hailey, I can tell you my positive experience
with daycare. When I had to go back to work when Zach was 12
weeks, I truly thought that our daycare would “turn us away” after the
first week. Fortunately, he was going to a home daycare (this
lady was watching him as a favor to us until he could go to the same
home daycare as his brother). I had myself so sure that he would
not eat, she would not be able to devote the time to his eating, I
didn’t think she would get him to take naps and wasn’t sure how she was
going to watch 4 other kids, plus another infant that was a month
younger. But….that is when he started eating. He would
take 12 ounces for her but would not eat for me at night. After
only three days, she had him taking naps by just laying him in the crib
while he was still awake. I was absolutely amazed!!!!
Again, I realize that Hailey has very different issues and I know how
hard of a decision this must be but just wanted to give you something
to think about. You do have a few more months and you may be
amazed at how things change in that time. I truly believe that
these little gerdlings can change at the drop of a hat (hopefully for
the better!) So….sending lots of
hugs your way and hoping you find the decision that you are happy
with. Let me know if there is anything else we can do for
you. HUGS……

[Anonymous]

Thank you Tricia. Actually we saw the ped today and I spoke to him about it. He said, of course, it’s our decision, but that given Hailey’s personality, he feels strongly against not putting her in daycare until she’s at least 18 months. He said that it is rare for a baby to be so stressed out and to have such poor self soothing mechanisms, that he is convinced that if we left her in a daycare, regardless of the type, or even how we transitioned her in, she would cry endlessly until she passed out. He said that he’s seen cases of a few babies like this, and they do tend to outgrow it. He also said that he thinks that the uncontrolled reflux and the stressed out personality are playing off of each other- the reflux made her feel uncomfortable and not trust her environment, which only makes her feel more stressed out and trust fewer people. I don’t know about the whole thing, but hopefully we can get this sorted out for her, and hopefully my boss will let me take an extended leave, though I suspect not, but we’ll see.

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