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March 2, 2006 at 4:42 pm #2882AnonymousInactive
I was just wondering how many of you put your little refluxers in daycare vs. staying with them at home. If they’re in daycare, when did you put them in? Did daycare affect their eating (either negatively or positively)?
We’re supposed to put Hailey into daycare at the end of May (she’ll be a year) at the same place where my older one goes, but I’m really too scared. I’m afraid that they won’t be able to manage her demanding eating regimen (or not eating, more accurately) and that she’ll become FTT. Of course they won’t sleep feed her, and she eats no other way. Alternately, I wonder if it really might do her some good. Also she hates strangers-always has, and would scream and cry all day I think if I left her (beyond normal baby stranger anxiety). I’m thinking about postponing my return to work if they’ll let me.
Any advice?
March 2, 2006 at 5:16 pm #2889AnonymousInactiveThats a tough decision. I have postponed going back to work because of Noah’s eating issues. There is no way that anyone else will do what I do to get him to eat. Not to mention sleep feeding would be next to impossible in a noisy daycare center. I know for us, that me going back to work and putting Noah in someone else’s care would not work for us. Hailey very well might eat better for someone else once she gets over the initial stranger anxiety. There’s really no way to know until you try it. I guess what I would suggest if you are really on the fence about this would be to give it a trial period. Sign her up for part time at the daycare, and see how she does before you decide whether or not to go back to work.
My oldest had reflux. He loved to eat though, so that was never an issue. When I went back to work after 2 months, he went into daycare. It did not go well at all. He was a very high need baby and cried a lot of the time. They could not take care of him like he needed and he didnt eat nearly as well while he was there. After 2 weeks, I quit my job and stayed home.
For us, and given our current situation with Noah, staying home is my only option. I have so many appts. for Noah between his OT and docs etc., it would be next to impossible to have the flexibility that I need if I worked outside of the home. Not to mention if he ever ends up on a g-tube, that would create a whole new set of obstacles that outside work would interfere with. Plus I know that I would worry myself sick every day wondering how Noah is eating. There are many days when I would LOVE to go to work. Just to get a break from the home life, if nothing else. It is a hard decision to make, and I’m sure you will make the best choice for your family as well as yourself.
lisaann2006-3-2 17:23:55
March 2, 2006 at 5:27 pm #2891AnonymousInactiveThanks Lisa. I know deep down that there’s no way that I can leave her, but I also know that there’s no way that I can go on dealing with this everyday for another year. Hailey doesn’t nap at all, so I literally get no break from her whatsoever. I’m so scared to put her in daycare though. I’m also scared to ask my boss for yet another leave of absence- I’ve taken so many leaves with both my kids that I’ve only worked 6 months during the last 2.5 years (between both of my maternity leaves and my sick leave during my pregnancy). I too could never balance the appointments and work, so I know that I likely have no choice, but honestly, on days like today, the thought of staying home with her and going on like this makes ME want to vomit!
March 2, 2006 at 5:46 pm #2894AnonymousInactiveI think it depends on the right place. I stayed home with Dylan for the first two years, so the reflux monster was not an issue for him when he started daycare, but the next one coming (fingers crossed not a refluxer, but not that lucky) is on the waiting list for the same place. I will be taking (planning on taking) only 8 weeks off before returning to work. I have expressed my concers already about the feeding issues, screaming, propping up, and they have assured me that they have had many refluxers in the past and even one that was so severe he had an upright board that he had to be strapped to (medical equiptment) to keep him in the correct position. I told them I know when there is a really high needs baby that some daycares will just say that they can not handle it, and she assured me this is not the case with them. I truely believe her. The director almost always is carrying around one of the babies with her through the center because she says they like the change of scenery, etc…..
I am fully confident they will be capable of dealing with Carter if he has these issues.
OK, as I’m writing this, I am also thinking that I am not yet in the situation, so who knows if I will feel differently then, but I hope I feel as confident then as I do now.
Good luck with you decision. It is a difficult one to make……..
March 2, 2006 at 8:57 pm #2913hellbenntKeymasterIt is sooo hard!!!
I only planned on staying home with jonah for 1yr and then as the year was coming to a close, I freaked out and wound up seeking professional help, to help me with this decision…I stayed home one more year (I was able to keep my health insurance and benefits, which was a major factor in my being able to stay home, as we really couldn’t afford it…)
Like Ann Marie, I’m also due with #2, and I am oplanning on only one year with this one (& even if I ‘freak’ out again, I cannot/willnot continue w/ insurance past a year and we really cannot afford for me not to be working)…
All I can say is I empathize with everyone who has these decisions to make!!
~laura
March 2, 2006 at 9:08 pm #2916AnonymousInactiveThank you all. For those of you who put your little ones in daycare, other than the increased illness, how did it impact the feedings? Did they improve, or get worse. I think that more than anything, that’s my biggest concern.
March 3, 2006 at 3:32 am #2923AnonymousInactiveLori
It is so hard! I think that having a reflux baby vs one that does not eat is slightly different unfortunately (not to say that leaving a reflux baby is easier…). In my mind, when Matthew had reflux that was really bad, yes, i felt bad for him because he was in pain, or he woudl spit up through his nose and be inconsolable… but i knew that other people around were just as capable as consoling him as i was… and sometimes were more capable of it because i was so tired!
Having a baby that does not eat and requires a lot of attention for each feeding is difficult. I thought too that me going away for feedings and letting other people handle them would maybe make a difference, but it does not…. you have to sit down with him for 1.5 hours for him to take some food… and i would be worried that someone else may not be as patient as i am? Because i am patient and because i know who much he needs to eat.
However, maybe Hailey will do OK in daycare? Some kids do well in that type of environment — there is no difference if Matthew is fed with us, without me, with other babies…. you may just want to do a trial period?? You can say start with a couple of mornings a week maybe and see how she does?
I am going to jinx myself but hey…. on sleeping. Matthew was waking up maybe 10 times a night and not sleeping at all during the day. I was exhausted, he was throwing up a lot because of his tube at night and because he was moving aroiund so much in bed… we decided to CIO, not only for my sake, but really he just needed to rest at some point.
IT WAS HARD but it was effective. We did everything at once. Started with teh first nap of the day. At this age, i thought maybe he woudl have to sleep 1 hour in the morning, 2 after lunch and maybe another one in the afternoon (followed a spanish book which is very similar to the Ferber or the Weissbluth books). First nap. Put him down… let him cry for 1 min, go in, pat him.. let him cry for 2min then 3min, then 3min…. after 1 hour, he had not slept, so i picked him up. Trick is not to let him sleep until next nap… god it was tough… put him down for next nap… 1min, 2min, 3min, 3min and 3min all the time… well i spent 2 hours in and out, with throwing up in the middle, cannot remember if he took out his tube… i was GOING TO KILL MYSELF but i kept thinking i would do this for 10 days, which the book said was the max time that a child woudl require…. so up until the next nap…. it was tough keeping him awake… next nap, i put him down and he fell asleep immediately for 1 hour…. the following day with the naps, you do 2, 3, 4, 4 ,4 then work your way up to 5, 6, 7 which is the max that the book recommends for naps…
For night… the times are slightly different…. you do 1, 3 and 5, 5,5 the first day… then do 3, 5, 7,7 7 etc etc… he was exhausted so fell asleep after 3 min but then woke up at 3in the morning and was crying until 7am… IT WAS HARD but i had committed to it…
It took 3 days… believe me. (I started this only 10 days ago i think). Matthew goes to bed at 9pm, and he cries maybe for 2 or 3 min and he goes until 6am and sometimes 7am!!
For the naps, he usually does cry for 4 min or so but he sleeps a full hour… the hardest nap is the mid afternoon one because he wakes up after one hour and takes another 10min of crying to get him back to sleep for another hour.
I know some people do not believe in CIO (oh and by the way, we took away his pacifier at the same time because he was spitting it out and waking up all night)… but it worked for us. We have a new baby, we really do.
March 3, 2006 at 8:24 am #2932AnonymousInactiveHi Lori –
When I first started posting here about a year ago I was struggling with this exact same thing – I wish that the old posts hadn’t been lost because I think it would really help you to see some of the conversations that we had. I was going through a very similar situation as you are, although it wasn’t quite as extreme as your struggles with Hailey. We always had to sleep feed, he would NEVER take a bottle willingly while awake anywhere in public, I had to run the vaccuum cleaner to get him to take a bottle sometimes – it was awful. I remember watching the days count down on the calendar before I was supposed to go back to work and felt this unbelievable pressure for him to be “fixed” before then (he was about 12 weeks old when I went back to work). Of course he wasn’t, and still isn’t “fixed”, but it really was the best decision I ever could have made.
Owen went to a family day care with a woman who had her own two kids (both recovering refluxers) and one or two other kids along with Owen. She was wonderful about working with me to find solutions for feeding him, gave me ideas about things that had worked for her, and we found that Owen loved the stimulation and the other kids and actually ate much better with her than he ever did with us. Napping wasn’t quite as easy and he still has problems napping at his new daycare, but the feeding that I thought would be such a disaster ended up being so much easier than I ever thought it would. Even when he wouldn’t eat with us, he always would with her. We now have him in a new daycare because she turned out to be more flaky as he got older, but for those first few months I really don’t know what we would have done without her.
I think that the trick is to find someone who is comfortable with working with you and Hailey, and who you feel is offering a safe environment for her, whether that’s a home or a center. Only you will know if you are truly comfortable with the situation, but honestly I feel like I got so much more of “myself” back once I was able to step away from the situation 4 days a week. It still was and is hard, but the break did so much for my state of mind and I was able to actually enjoy Owen again.
Sorry for rambling, but good luck with your decision – I know how difficult it can be.
March 3, 2006 at 8:40 am #2933AnonymousInactiveI won’t tell you what to do — just my experience.
I had to go back to work. I was going crazy staying home with Robbie at the height of his reflux. I felt guilty and horrible for “abandoning” him, but the only way I could think clearly about his issues and find effective ways to help him was to get a piece of myself back again. For me, that means my work as a teacher, which I love.
It was hard. Robbie had a lot of problems eating at first, and I blamed daycare, myself, etc. Eventually, though, I took action because I knew I couldn’t quit work (money, sanity, you name it!). I got him a new doctor, went to our chiropractor for advice, and put him ona workable schedule. Now he is off reflux meds.
Of course, we have the asthma and allergy issue, but that is small potatoes next to him screaming all the way through feeds. And he is going through a phase of not eating much, but that is also a small issue compared to some we have dealt with in the past.
So my advice to you is that along with the right dcp, you have to have the right medical back-up. Our doctor has been wonderful. He has called daycare and made sure they are complying with the things Robbie needs in order to be successful, and he always asks to make sure we don’t need him to call again. I think that the decision whether to go back to work is made easier by how empowered you feel as a mother. Until we got our good ped. I felt helpless even though I was at work and feeling better mentally. Once I felt like someone was helping me to make my child feel better, I knew that everything was going to be OK. Even now, when Robbie is coughing so much from his allergies that he pukes all over, I know that someone is helping me and I can get through it.
The important thing here is that you cannot and should not do this alone, and if your medical professionals are not behind you then daycare can really be a nightmare — just as much as staying home with no support.
Good luck with your decision!
SarahMarch 3, 2006 at 9:18 am #2934AnonymousInactiveThank you. I really just can’t take this anymore. She is not eating. Today, she only took 1 oz after 9 hours of not eating. I’m finding it so draining, and starting to feel like I resent her and this morning, I actually hate the sight of her. I know that is an awful thing for a mother to say about her child. I actually wanted to say worse, but I felt too bad to write it. I feel awful, but I am just reaching the point where I can’t take it anymore with her. This is a hell beyond what I can explain, and I’m not saying that going back to work would fix it, but she’s smothering me. Since we have no one else to help us, I don’t know how else to get away from the situation. I know that I shouldn’t complain because it could always be worse, but right now, it’s hard to focus on the good things that we have because I feel so defeated and drained.
March 3, 2006 at 9:54 am #2937AnonymousInactiveYou still have some time until the end of May, so you have almost 3 full months and from looking at some other posts, it seems that so much can change in 3 months!!
I know you have nobody around to help out — could you afford to get someone to watch Hailey for a few hours while you are out with your other daughter maybe? I know that Hailey does not like strangers but sometimes you have to look after yourself for a little bit to be able to get better and get some strength. If she is not eating after all, then she will not eat with you or anybody else and a feeding is not as important as your sanity
March 3, 2006 at 10:05 am #2939AnonymousInactiveThank you Thais! I was just coming back on to apologize for my previous post. I can’t believe that I actually said that. I do love my daughter, I’m just worn out!
March 3, 2006 at 10:07 am #2940AnonymousInactiveLori, I am so, so sorry that you are having a tough time with Hailey today. I do understand how you feel, as I feel that way much too often myself. I agree with Thais, your need some time away to help get your sanity and strength back. Hiring someone just for a few hours might give you the break that you need. Also, what about your MIL? I know you two dont see eye to eye on Hailey’s feeding issues, but could she watch Hailey for atleast a couple of hours so you can have some time to yourself? I hope the day gets better for you! Sending hugs and prayers.
March 3, 2006 at 10:10 am #2941AnonymousInactiveDon’t apologize Lori – we know you love Hailey.
Or if not MIL, can your mom come for a visit so you can get some time off?
March 3, 2006 at 10:44 am #2946AnonymousInactiveLori
Don´t worry… it does not matter what you say or think because i (and everybody else) know you love your daughter and trust me, i have been there and still am a lot of times!! I have thought the most terrible things about Matthew, i have accused him of destroying my life, making me miserable, making me hate him… and then after i tell my husband or think about it i know that i just needed to vent!
YOU NEED TO VENT — i actually think that you have to release your anger/frustration/despair somehow and writing it down is a good way and we are here to listen because we really know that whatever you write, you will always love your daughter. So don´t apologise… if you can afford the help, please think about it. Having a baby with reflux and not eating like Hailey can destroy you, and i mean really really make you depressed. I never imagined that something could be this difficult. I think that my job was pretty challenging and sometimes i did not sleep for 3 days and sometimes i was under so much pressure that everyone use to say that motherhood would be nothing compared to how hard i worked… and then came along Matthew. There is no way to explain the pressure, the fear of him not eating, of despair because he does not eat… it is unbearable. I always knew that if it got really bad, i could always quit my job and find something else. With Matthew, as i tell everybody, there is no way out and that is what i find difficult. No matter how tired or frustrated you are, you have nowhere to go and you know that tomorrow it will probably be harder and you are stuck with it, because you love your baby.
You are really not alone in your feelings and WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
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