SAHM with no support, in over my head

[Anonymous]

HI Christine- I just read the other thread- every single message, and I must say I am so sorry for what you are going through. I sit here and read what situation you are in, and I am just so angry !

I don’t have much to add that others haven’t, but I do have my MS in counseling and used to do family/couples therapy, so if you ever need to chat, please let me know- Also, I was absolutely shocked on some level to see that your dh is a psychologist! HE should be ashamed of himself- IT is true that most counselors or psychologists tend to have some “issues” that have attracted them to the field to begin with, and boy does your dh have issues! As I read through his behaviors, basically it immediately came to mind that he is acting just like someone who physically abuses you. Abusers want to isolate you as much as they can, and they do this so you become 100% reliant on them, which helps them control you better. When you wrote that your dh doesn’t like you to go out at all, or have friends over, etc., it really hit home that this is what he is doing, whether consciously or not. In his mind, and others like him, if he can isolate you and make you feel worthless, he basically is ensuring that you will never leave, and that makes him feel good about himself, even if he admits that he is miserable in the current situation. He sounds like his anxiety and controlling behavior are linked, and when you mention the peculiar “neatness” he has about some things, it seems to all fit within HIS mental illness and crippling anxiety- I find it quite ironic that he says that YOU have a mental health problem, with rage?! give me a break-

NOt to mention that he is obviously a very insecure man, and the only way he feels good is if he puts you down- unbelievable! I don’t know how many couples I counseled where this was the case- too many to count-

Like others have said, all you can do is get your ducks in a row, and get some good information. Then, when you feel confident you know the law and what to do, make your move. I worry for you and your children’s emotional well-being. I think it would be tough, but would be the best thing you could do to get yourself out of that arrangement. Like the others, I agree that he is bluffing, and while he might talk a good game at first, he really doesn’t have any leg to stand on when it comes to the kids. He would probably put up a good front, then get “too stressed” the first time he had to take the kids by himself for more than an hour, and lo and behold, you’d have full custody anyway- NOt only is he incapable of getting any more than visitation, he probably won’t want that responsibility anyway, once he gets a taste of being alone- I hate to say that, but it’s true, and can work to your advantage-

No matter what happens, please know that you are a great mom, and an occassional short temper and yes, even rage, is perfectly normal- I tend to be pretty expressive when I fight with my dh, and I admit that I like to throw things (pillows, etc) because he gets me so frustrated that I feel the need to physically vent that frustration- it’s perfectly normal, and as long as you are not hurting anyone, then it’s fine- whatever outlet helps you cope- This does NOT mean you have a rage problem- If you had a genuine rage problem then you’d act like that towards everyone, not just your dh- you would have a short fuse that turned into furious rage over small things, all the time, at anyone- obviously, he knows how to push your buttons, and who wouldn’t want to knock his lights out! I personally think that if I had to deal with this man, I would have probably done much worse to him by now then slam some doors and break a few things!

I am now rambling…there is just so much to say about this! But, as it’s getting late, I better stop- Just know that you are a wonderful mother, and your kids will be better human beings because of it- No matter what happens, kids know love when they see it, and they will grow up with that ability to love because of you- Just remember this when your dh starts in on you-

many prayers, and please reach out if you want to chat!

[Anonymous]

Thanks Avery. It was awfully nice of you to read through all of that. I appreciate your comments and your advice. I should have listened to the therapist I saw when we were separated. She really didn’t think I should go back to him and she said she’d be worried about any children he would father. I was such a fool and so stupid to go back.

[Anonymous]

OH, you are NOT stupid at all! You are a strong woman who wanted to work on her marriage and see if it could turn around, instead of just giving up right away! That is to be commended. It’s not easy to leave someone, especially when it’s just you at the time, because I think we are taught that we are failures if our marriages don’t work out. It’s somehow ingrained in us that first, we have to get married, and second, if we get divorced we somehow messed up. Of course, neither of these is true, but I know so many women who think it’s their fault that their marriages ended, because the men made them think it! If you were not such a strong person, then you would be buying what he is selling you, that it’s your fault, you are crazy, etc. WEll, thank goodness that you know better, and I hope, through all of the responses you’ve gotten, that it reinforces that for you.

Now that you have kids, the decision isn’t easy, and you are not “stupid” if you stay- It’s not that simple- I think that you’ve realized that he is not going to change, and that you cannot and don’t want to be around this toxic person anymore, and that is the first step. Now, you just have to gather your info and make your move. The kids are much better off out of that environment, even though that runs contradictory to what we all learn as mothers. He can be living with them and not be involved with them, as he is now, or he can live separate from them and be just as involved- I bet that they would enjoy not having to walk around on tiptoes too-

So, don’t, for a minute, blame yourself for staying- You did what you thought was good for your family, and, on some level, you used to love this man, or the idea of who you thought he was before you married him- it’s not easy to shake- Now, you have a chance to turn things around, and, in time, I hope you find a way out of this-

Good luck, and keep all of us posted!

[Author]

Posts