SAHM with no support, in over my head

[Anonymous]

Christine!!! Oh I wish I could hire a nanny and housekeeper for you!

Although my marriage is overall great, we have had our arguments about the importance of my staying home ( what do you do ALL day? ), and why my role isn’t nearly as stressful as his job. BULLsh*t! We’ve had a few reckonings since then… My husband wasn’t all that helpful with our first son, and he worked all the time sometimes 16 hour days, until midnight or later. I appreciated him working so hard, but it was so hard pretty much being a single mom. I remember thinking that real single moms are awesome. He thought the reflux was me blowing fussy way out of proportion. He would come home and b*itch if the house was messy. If I god forbid made plans I had to “clear” them with him in advance and let him know what kind of time frame he was looking at. Once I went to the store ( grocery…) and when I got back the baby was crying and he was about to snap.

We recently had a HUUUUUUUGE fight right before ( like the week before ) our second son was born. I basically told him that he was going to have to step up to the plate. He got mad and dissapeared for a few days. We finally talked it out and he admitted he was less than a great partner.

Anyway, my point is you are not alone with a husband who is less than *ahem* supportive.

So yeah, things are better now, but man I had to really be a b*itch to get the air clear. Does he still sit on the couch and act like he is a bachelor, yeah. But overall he is more willing to take part. The fact that I nearly lost it mentally this time around with the whole reflux crap made him look at my life a bit differently too. He told me there was no way he could listen to the screaming for more than 2 hours and didn’t know how I did it. His version of “great job honey!”

I really wish things improve for you and I will be thinking of you! You are so strong to have made it this long being a great mommy all alone. When your kids fall down and hurt themselves, who do they want to kiss is all better? When they are sick, who do they want to rock them to sleep? When they are grown and need reassurance, they will call you. When they have kids someday they will thank you!

Sorry so long…

Tina

[Anonymous]

Thanks Tina.

[Anonymous]

Is there any friends that can take at least the older 2 girls for the day? Taylor was recently hospitalized for 3 nights due to rotavirus and a persistent double ear infection and I had 2 great friends of mine watch Alexis. She loved it! It wasn’t an ideal situation with Taylor and myself in the hospital, but I came to the conclusion that other people outside of family members can watch her. They have always offer to take Alexis off my hands, but I have always been so concern with her behavior with others but after this experience they definitely can take her more often! Big Hugs for you!

Alexis’s mom2007-3-22 16:42:53

[Anonymous]

Well, two of my friends work and the other just had a baby. I’m sure she would help if I asked, but I think it’s a little too soon to drop all three, or even two of mine off at her house when she’s still up all night with a newborn. Probably in a few months I would feel more comfortable asking her to help me out a little.

Is Taylor ok now?

[Anonymous]

Christine,

Where are you located? This may seem crazy but maybe there is another infantreflux.org poster nearby? Just to have someone to talk to in person and understands?

I have no friends that know what this is like ( great hubby or not ), and I’ve thought so many times that I wish there was a real physical Infant Relfux Club, like LLL or something…

I so wish I could ring your doorbell and take your kiddos off to McD’s for awhile…

Tina

[Anonymous]

Well, since I first posted this thread, I am no longer dealing with reflux (thank God) but dh hasn’t changed a bit.

[Anonymous]

I have to say this. I am in no way saying you should divorce him. I think there are def. times when a divorce is necessary and this may be one of those cases. You are probably already doing this, but I would say to fast and pray. You probably know this too, but fasting doesn’t have to be just from food. I would pray that God will show you what to do. You are an amazing woman and I have no dought that God will lead you. I also have no dought that if it is his will he will break your husband and your husband will change. Maybe even go back to your pastor and tell him what your thinking. I believe the church should stand behind you on your decision. He may even know of some older ladies that would love to watch your kids for you and pray over you. Call on God girl. My heart is truely aching for you. I can’t imagine being where you are. My husband can be a real a** sometimes, but nothing like what your dealing with. Please know that I will be praying for you. Is there anything specific you need prayer for? Please also know that I am in no way saying you are wrong. I am not in your situation. I have no idea what you have and have not done. All I know is I personally am here for you. I just had to say all that because I don’t want anyone to think I am being hypocritical. Also, I felt lead to write what I did. If I offend you in any way, please let me know. I am in no way trying to do that.

[Anonymous]

Christine,

Just to show you that you aren’t alone…

My husband comes home from work last night around 11 pm. He mentioned earlier that he had a hard day on the phone.

My 2 year old is still awake and won’t stay in bed. I got the baby to sleep about an hour earlier. He has a cold and is miserable.

I have horrible cramps.

However, I managed to sweep and mop the whole downstairs. Do some dishes and laundry.

So he walks in and sees: folded laundry on the couch, and the mop in the corner of the kitchen, and evidence that we have kids ( toys ) here and there on the floor.

When I come down the stairs, I cheerily say ” hey hon,how are you? “

By the look on his face not good, I thought because of work.

Noooooooo. He goes on to tell me that the house is a wreck and he would be embarrassed to bring anyone to our house. How was your day?

I told him it was ok, until now.

I swear!!!! We went to bed silent, which is fine with me to be honest, more sleep!

I really wonder how many women out there have a truly great helpful supportive husband after having kids?

We all need a vacation!

Tina

[hellbennt]

well you are all more than welcome to come vacation here in FL! I can help find a good rate for a hotel room because while you are more than welcome here, there just isn’t the room in my ‘cottage’ (LOL) now that we have each bedroom occupied. you can, however, pitch a tent in the backyard, as the weather is lovely this time of year and our yard thank goodness is big for living in a metro area

[Anonymous]

Shelby,

Thanks for your words of wisdom. It’s funny because today after I picked Liza up from school I felt compelled to drive by my church even though we haven’t been there in over a year and a half. I saw my Pastor’s car out front so I went in to see if he was available. He was on his way out but I made an appointment to see him next week. He is the only Pastor that I spoke to while I was separated from dh who did not try to push me into staying married. He didn’t say “get divorced” either, but he truly understood how dh had deceived me while we were dating and he saw how poorly I was being treated. I’m not sure what I am even going to talk to him about next week, but I feel like it’s step in the right direction. I’ve also made a goal for myself to start attending church again after Easter and to bring the children every week, with or without dh.

I really appreciate your offer to pray for me. I guess I’d just ask that you pray that God show me the way, and that he gives me the courage to do whatever it is He asks me to do. Thanks. BTW, I’ve never read anything that you’ve written that would make me think you are in any way, shape or form being hypocritical. I’ve always known from your posts that you are a Christian and that you are a wonderful mom.

Tina,

I really feel for you. It’s so hard to do it alone, especially in the midst of reflux. I just don’t understand men. At least mine doesn’t complain about the mess.

Tonight he came home and I was outside with the children. They were playing and I was vaccuuming the van and cleaning and re-installing their carseats. I asked him to empty the shop vac, and vaccuum the back of the van. I did everything else. When I thanked him for helping he said, “Consider that part of your Birthday present.” What the heck is his problem??? I’m sure he bought me presents, but he can’t just help because he’s my husband and the father of my children??? And of course we all went in and I made supper, fed the baby, bathed all three children, washed all of their hair, brushed teeth, put pajamas on, etc. He didn’t even offer to help.

Anyway, I’m sorry that your dh isn’t more helpful and that he seems to not have much consideration for how hard you work. It’s really unfair.

Laura,

Can we just send our dh’s to live in the tent in your backyard?

[Anonymous]

Christine this man is pissing me off big time…I admire your remarkable and I mean remarkable restraint. I’m not talking to my Dh because he was moping around the house like a lazy arse for a couple of days and I got sick of it and told him to grow up (which he didn’t really appreciate)! Imagine what I would do to your dh…let me at him

[Anonymous]

Good for you Christine. I think the closer you feel to God, the more strength you’ll feel in yourself. I know God will lead you through this. I hope this pastor can help you. I hope church can become a peaceful break away from home for you too.

[Anonymous]

I really do feel like I have three boys, not two to take care of…

Christine, I hope you find peace through all of this, whatever the outcome!

Tina

[Anonymous]

Hello there- Let me first say that I am so sorry for all of the ladies on here that have less than supportive husbands. I am very lucky in that I have an amazing husband who, because of our schedules, watches our daughter by himself 3 days a week, while I work- Why that is so “amazing” is sad, but I know it is, in fact, quite amazing for a man to do this. That being said, I realize how lucky I am, and really have no advice for anyone, as I have it great compared to most-

I must, however, comment on some of the comments in here- I just can’t believe some of the husbands in here have the absolute NERVE to talk to some of you that way! Complaining about messy houses and crying kids, and just overall, being extremely unkind and disrespectful! if my husband talked to me that way, or even hinted at being upset because the house was messy, etc., I would absolutely rip him a new you know what!! Nobody has any right to treat their spouse unkindly, especially a spouse who is raising children and at their wits end! I know it’s not easy just to say “if you don’t like it, get out”, and I know, with kids, that is even more unrealistic, but I have to believe that all of you deserve a heck of a lot more respect than you are getting- I know women put up with a lot to keep their families intact, and that is to be commended, but some of these comments seem like cheap shots, and are meant to be just plain mean, and I hate to hear that you wonderful ladies are being treated like this-

I don’t think divorce is the answer for everthing either, but if your husband is that disrespectful and does not help you at all, and is mean to you, then what good does it do you, or the children, to grow up around that? These men need major attitude adjustments, and until we make them get one, they will just keep doing and acting how they want- It just seems like we’re always so worried that the guy will leave us, or that the children won’t have a father, but we never stop to think about our happiness, or what damage a mean husband is doing to the kids-

Sorry, my thoughts are all jumbled here…I was just so outraged at some of these comments from your husbands! I know nothing is black/white, and I hope I haven’t offended anyone…I just can’t stand when we’re disrespected…if we don’t stand up for ourselves, nobody else will it seems…

Good luck to all of the ladies out there!

[Anonymous]

Avery,

I understand what you are saying. I posted another thread recently about how mean my dh is to me. I’ve known for a very long time that the way he treats me is wrong, but honestly I think sometimes when you are in a relationship like this you start to lose focus and you forget what it feels like to be treated with respect. I’m actually more depressed about it now than I was before because I’ve read all the responses and I have a more acute awareness of just how disrespectful he is to me.

If you want to read the thread, I’ve posted it here for you. It’s pretty long.

https://www.infantreflux.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=7836&a mp;PN=0&TPN=1

Thanks for your comments.

[Author]

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