why are people so cruel?

[Anonymous]

I posted recently in the introductions section about my daughter, 10 mos./ feeding aversion / reflux. I just need to vent about people. I just cant get why people have no ability to empathize with issues if they have not gone through them themselves. I mean, I know it’s very different, but if you were to tell me your loved one had a disease, I would not have to have gone through it, or know anyone who has to feel badly for you. I am just venting b/c we spent this past weekend w/inlaws who made my husbandand I feel so badly about my daughters condition – the jist of their message was that we caused her feeding problem by not being relaxed, and that if we just stopped worrying about it she would be fine. To add to it, I just got off the phone w/a friend who vented to me for an hour about all her problems and when I told her I was having a bad day w/my daughter she chastised me about “trying too hard and not relaxing.” I feel like I am constantly having to explain and justify trying to feed my child. I thought for sure that when she was evaluated and started receiving early intervention that people would finally see that it’s a real issue but this seems not to be the case. The only people who seem to sympathize are those who have spent any sizable amount of time in my house. It’s so frustrating. Has anyone else dealt w/this before and if so, HOW?!!

[Anonymous]

I have gone through very similar instances with my In-laws. My father in-laws new wife decided to continually tell me I’m feeding my child wrong and that’s what his problems are. She even tried to convince me, his screaming while eating is nothing and to put him in his crib and let him scream it out, no matter how many hours it took. She said to crank the music so you can’t hear him anymore. So I no longer inform these people of what is going on. They can just live in a world where my son is perfect and there is nothing wrong. Takes a lot of stress off of me.

My mother thought it was in my head, which made it harder. Then she came with me to the first specialist appointment and was informed VERY quickly just how serious this is. (That helped the most)

I’ve also had to grow some pretty thick skin. Tell people that I know I’m doing what is right for MY child. You and your husband are the ones who have to deal with what is happening, not them, so what gives them the right to say how to do it? It’s sad, but your BEST place to vent is with someone who understands what you are going through. I’ve had to stop venting to several people because ALL of them decided to just tell me I’m doing things wrong.

I totally understand your frustration. <<BIG HUGS>>

[Anonymous]

my mother-in-law once said, “maybe she’s just spoiled.” sylvia’s esophagus was getting ulcerated at 8 months. she had a fundo just before she turned 10 months old—turns out she had a good sized hiatal hernia—-that’s a birth defect—and i couldn’t “spoil” her into that.

when one of my twins was having shortness of breath on a regular basis, my mother-in-law said, “do you think that is something she could have learned?” hinting that i taught her to be that way. my daughter had bad reflux and once we got her on a PPI her shortness of breath went away.

when my 3 girls were diagnosed with celiac disease, she called me and apologized to me and said that she thought she understood me a little more.

just recently, she was saying something negative about me to my husband and he accidently told me about it–not what she had actually said, but just that she had said something about me. i think with all the pressure and stress i have had lately, i finally had just had it. i drove over to her house and told her i wanted her to stop critisizing me to my husband because all she was doing was causing problems in our marriage. i’m not sure where i got the gumption to actually confront her. she was really defensive and said i had critisized her whole family—(this was last summer at a family reunion “family meeting” when i brought up the fact that my kids didn’t want to come to family reunions because they had not been treated very nicely and felt like they were ignored. i didn’t point out anyone in particular, i guess i was hoping that as adults we could help our children to make sure and try to include everyone and be kind. i was surprised at the anger that kevin’s sisters reacted with, instead of concern that a child’s feelings had been hurt. afterwards, kevin’s mom and i had visited in another room for awhile and kevin’s dad had told him that he thought it was something that needed to be said.)

after accusing me of critisizing her whole family, she told me that there were several people in her family that thought she shouldn’t have talked to me afterwards. i still can’t believe that she would say something so mean to me. i already don’t feel like kevin’s sisters like me—they are kind of cliquish—and now i don’t think i will ever feel comfortable at a family gathering because i will always be wondering who thought i wasn’t “worthy enough” to be talked to, after bringing up what i felt like was a problem. i thought that was what family meetings were for. she had said that there were boyfriends at that meeting. well, gee, let’s pretend that there are no problems in the family in front of boyfriends, or if it’s a family meeting and they don’t want any boyfriends to know of any problems—maybe the boyfriends shouldn’t be invited to family meetings.

i guess my family had secrets that were so destructive that i don’t believe in having family secrets. i don’t believe every detail needs to be told, but i don’t believe in hiding skeletons in the closet, either—–they can be pretty scary when they are discovered by accident.

do i sound a little bitter at the moment. people can be so judgemental about things they know so little about.

i’m really sorry you are having to deal with difficult and judgemental in-laws. it really can be hard on your self esteem.

[hellbennt]

vent away! I’ve written plenty about my MIL (mother-in-law)…

people do NOT get it, that is true!

oh just give him water; oh just add cereal to his bottle; oh you hold him too much you’ll never be able to put him down; oh just let him cry…

ack!

big HUGS to all of you!

[Anonymous]

Thanks all,
What is it w/MILs? Mine is actually pretty good about the feeding thing. She wasnt at first but then spent a few weeks w/us and sees now how difficult it is. It’s really my sister in laws who are awful about it. My husbands family does NOT talk about things though. In fact, we live about 2 hrs away and when I invite them up (which is about once or twice a month) she feels free to invite anyone/everyone). One time she showed up w/14 people for the entire day. We have talked to her but she decided to pull that again last weekend and b/c of our issues w/my daughter my husband confroted her in a very firm manner. Well, she cried hysterically for two days, and I mean hysterically. I would call and not be able to understand what she was saying. Finally, when it was clear that she was reacting inappropriately to a simple request for a heads up, she turned it all around and acted dramatically apologetic – actually telling my husband that I was “absolutely perfect” and that she could not live w/herself for having hurt me so badly (bring out the violins). It was completely ridiculous but this is her way of getting you to feel like it’s not worth it to say no to her (it works – we save it til absolutely necessary). Oh well, what this has to do w/reflux I dont know, but thanks for the ears…

[Anonymous]

tell her how much you appreciate her acknowledging how much she hurt you, because it really did hurt you—– and that you really appreciate the compliment about being “absulutely perfect”, but that you are not quite there, but hope to be some day!!LOL!!! what can she say?

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