UPDATE

[Anonymous]

I really hope she’s helpful, and not like the psychiatrist that we saw. No matter what anyone says, this is NOT your fault. Remember that. I hope she can offer some useful suggestions.

BTW, you’re obviously more patient than I am, because I get so ticked off when people used to suggest that maybe I was too stressed out when feeding Hailey and that’s why she won’t eat. I always thought, well what came first, if there weren’t feeding problems to begin with then there wouldn’t be any stress.

Do they have feeding therapy there? Like an SLP or an OT or someone else who can come into your house and give you tips on how to progress Matthew?

How is he feeling today BTW? Hope you had a nice weekend with dh.

Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Lori – had a great time with Dh! He was here for 2 days only but he spent a lot of time with baby (baby loves him!) and a lot of time with me when baby was asleep… so it was great.

Don´t really know about feeding therapy — we have never really talked about it because Matthew does not seem to have any problems swallowing, or chewing or anything of the kind because there are days when he will take 8 ounce meals.

I know about psychologists… i am going to give it a try because my ped says she is excellent. But she already asked me the typical questions… are you happily married( to which i said yes), are you stressed about money (to which i said no), do you guys fight a lot (no) etc etc…. she said sometimes it is the parents and sometimes not… but she was really thrown off when i told her about the water AND the fact that if i am not there, he still shows no interest in food… so she will see me next week. I guess she has seen a ton of babies who do not want to eat and maybe she can detect if he is nervous, not interested, afraid? and if she cannot see any of those things, then she will agree with the ped about the appetite factor?

Don´t worry — i really know this is not my fault!!

[Anonymous]

Karen – no tips yet!!

[Anonymous]

Thais, How is Matthew doing and how are things going overall? Hope you are both well.

[Anonymous]

Hey Lori

Not doing great right now, neither Matthew nor I unfortunately. He has stopped eating everything except for yogurt, which is OK with me, but then he is throwing up a ton these days and we are losing some weight again. At night, because he moves so much, we are not able to give him too much formula any more and during the day, we are trying to get him to develop an appetite, so we are not feeding him through the tube. Because he is not eating sufficiently, he is in FOWL mood!!

Me, well, i think that i have been quite positive until now, but this is really wearing me down and i can feel i want to give up now, but obviously cannot. The psychologist told me to read some stuff about infantile anorexia and it has really depressed me — everything says that the MOTHER IS AT FAULT, not on purpose obviously, but through her stress, or perfection or whatever and it is really really getting to me and i have started wondering whether i have created all of this and it is really too much to handle. I am really just struggling right now.

I hope that Hailey and you are doing well… this is just so hard. I am sure better days will come for all of us, but it seems that for all the non-eaters these are especially tough times — i hope that is not the case for you.

[Anonymous]

Thais,

I can completely relate. Johnny has rejected his bottle for 2 weeks, and I have tried EVERYTHING to get him eat. I am worried his feeding habits may go from bad to worse because of my stress and desperation. As the dream-feeding doesn’t work any more except for that ONE bottle in the middle of the night (3-4oz), I have tried offering him ANY food he would take. Unfortunately, he gets tired of the new taste within 24 hours and screams when I offer him the same food. What’s worse is that even when he does eat, he only takes a couple tiny bity bites and then starts to gag & refuses it. I am so tired of trying to figure out what he wants/likes and introducing new food every day! I am now really looking into the tube feeding because I really don’t think I can handle the stress and frustration from a none-eater too much longer. I tried to get an earilier appointment with Watler Reed for Johnny, but they just couldn’t/wouldn’t move his appointment any time earlier than April 12th!!! I am counting the days and everyday is a struggle. I am feeling so exhausted that I’ve decided to give Johnny fomula ONLY today to see how he takes it. So far I have no luck with the bottle, but he took some from the spoon. My gaol today is to keep him from dehydrated and not to worry about the calories.

You are not alone. Hang in there & big hugs!!!

[Anonymous]

Thank you… i am feeling specially down these days… i hope it passes soon. I am sorry you are going through something similar with Johnny. It would be great if the doctors could find something vs Matthew, who seems to be in great shape otherwise! We will be going back to NY mid April and then maybe the new set of doctors will find something?? I am praying that they find something easily fixable because if i have to survive until Matthew is 18months or 2 years old, i really don´t think i am going to be able to keep my sanity!

Hope he takes some formula!! big higs

[Anonymous]

Johnny’s Mom – I am so sorry you have having a tough time with your little guy. I completely understand how frustrating it is to have a non-eater. My ds, Noah, is 11 months now, and he has had feeding issues since the day he was born. He still sleep feeds for a couple of his bottles, and I have to syringe feed alot too. However now he has learned how to spit it back out at me. I have cried my eyes out and asked “why me” on many occassions. I too have thought about tube feeding. On the days when he is refusing every bottle or solids, I feel like I’m at my breaking point and sometimes wish I had a tube so I could get food into him. It is tough and I really, really empathize with what you are going through. I hope he improves for you soon. Good luck with your appt. in April. I know it wont come soon enough.

Thais – Dont beat yourself up after reading those books on infantile anorexia. It IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not blame yourself. I think that when docs dont know why a child doesnt want to eat, its easier to put the blame (directly or indirectly) on the mother. It sounds to me like the authors of those books must have been Freudian followers. You are a wonderful mother and Matthew is so lucky to have you. You have done a phenominal job helping him. Please dont let all of that “crap” that your reading make you feel otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Lisa

Thank you so much for your kind words. You know how it is, some days are better than others and i am just going through a rough patch. Thank god i have all of you here who understand and a wonderful husband — just had a long chat with him about my feelings and he just told me something similar to what you did.

After reading all that stuff it is so easy to just blame yourself — to think that you could have done things differently, etc but as my husband said, i did everything i knew how to do and i put my heart into it and that is what counts.

How is Noah? The spitting out is awful right? When is his next weight check? Don´t know how you can deal with this and other children!

I am so worried about this appointment on tuesday — i know that she is going to tell me to start all over again, to sit with Matthew with no distractions, in the dining room and just offer and if he does not take any put it through the tube. And we have been working so hard at feeding him…. takes 1 hour but he will open his mouth not knowing i think, when he is really really distracted. But at this point i am going to try whatever she says i think… i am so desperate!

[Anonymous]

Thais, I am really so, so sorry to hear what you are going through, and this thread brings tears to my eyes. I truly do know what you’re going through and it’s so awful at the best of times, and absolutely unbearable at the worst of times.

After I saw the psychiatrist for Hailey, I felt so down on myself. We also went through all the Freudian garbage that blamed the mother and I felt awful. But then I really thought about it, and I realized that I did not do anything different with either of my children- I had the same love for them both, and I poured my heart into each of them. I started out raising them and feeding them both the same way. What was different was THEM, not me. Sarah ate like a bottomless pit, whereas Hailey never enjoyed eating. I am telling you this because I can only imagine what this does to your self esteem when this is your first child- you don’t have anything to compare it to, and after a while you must wonder if it is your fault. But hear me when I assure you that NONE OF THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU! You did not cause it, and you certainly did not perpetuate it- regardless of the psychological cr*p that the psych has you reading (and I’ve read it too so I know what it says). That is the same thing that I told the psychiatrist.

I recently saw our ped for Hailey’s 9 month appointment, and I told him that I told off the psychiatrist because he was using his Freudian training to blame me for Hailey’s issues. You know what he said? He apologized for sending me to someone who would do that, and he assured me that this is in no way my fault, or my husband’s. He said that we are doing the best job, and that he is so amazed at how together we are in the face of everything that’s going on. He said that when he went through med school, he learned that feeding aversion was something to do with the mother, an interactional thing, but after he started practising more, and running into it more often, he started to realize that it’s not an interactional thing at all. That the mothers were the most dedicated, caring and amazing parents that you could imagine, and were the only reason at all that the children were even remotely thriving. He said that the reason is that “there is no reason”… it’s something that’s wrong within the child that does not necessarily show up with testing. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said that more than anything else, feeding problems are the most devastating thing for parents because it robs you of the one thing that you feel that you should be able to do for your child. But really the one thing, is not feeding, it’s loving them no matter what and never giving up on them. I carry those words with me now, and remind myself of that when I feel ready to quit.

I know that Matthew’s tests have thankfully come back negative, but like Hailey, I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that our little ones started out having reflux, and then never wanted to eat. I really do believe that during the time when babies are supposed to be learning that eating soothes me, our babies learned eating hurts- I eat, it burns; I eat, it hurts; I don’t like this. My doc said that he doesn’t think it’s all about the reflux because not all refluxers go on to develop feeding aversions. But for some reason, for some babies, I truly believe that the initial discomfort of eating, coupled with something intrinsic to their personalities, makes them learn quickly that eating is no fun, and they don’t want any part of it. Even when the reflux passes, this memory can get ingrained in their brains, because of negative experiences. It can be very hard to unlearn this, especially in strong-willed children. I have seen the same thing with some of my patients at work after they have radiation to their esophagus. They develop esophagitis, they don’t want to eat- Of course they have positive prior eating experiences, and once things heal up, they eventually go back to eating, but they are cautious.

I know that your ped is amazing and he talks a lot about infant anorexia, but I just wanted to offer another take on things.

I’m sorry this is so long. I just feel so badly that you and Matthew, and all of the rest of us with non eaters are going through this. I know how low the lows can be. I was there just recently there myself, because Hailey’s reflux was so bad and she has still been refusing any solids. All I can say, is I’m so glad that we are all here for each other, and I pray for our children every day. I know that one day this will be behind us. BIG HUGS to you all.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, Lori, Lisa, Thais. I hate to get up every morning—for fear of more challenges dealing with a none-eater; I hate to go out—for some reason, Johnny gets fussy and refuses to eat even more if he is out for over 30 minutes, but I love to turn on my computer and come here to get the sincere cyber hugs from you! Knowing that I am not alone and there are moms there understanding me gives me a great deal of strength to cope with the bad days.

Have you even wondered how the moms in the old time dealt with their refluxers/none-eater? I came across this touching true story when looking for information about tube feeding:

http://parent-2-parent.com/forum/showthread.php?t=36013

This amazing mom really inspired me.

[Anonymous]

Oh Thais (and everyone else)… I don’t have much time now but want to
stress that this is NOT your fault. You are a wonderful mother and
Matthew is lucky to have you. I’m so sorry you are going through all
this. Big hugs and kisses.

[Anonymous]

I agree with Lori. I could never fill my daughter (& still cant) and my son has always had feeding problems. I didnt do anything different with them. It is not your fault and I know how the bad days feel. I hope things get better soon.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your support! My spirits are slightly up today… Matthew went to bed at 8.30pm and only woke up at 4am… we played for 1 hour and he fell asleep at 5am until about 6am… then i put him next to me in bed and he slept for another hour!! I feel rested after a few tough nights.

Johnny´s mom — thank you for that link. I have found some interesting info on feeding therapy that i will post for others in Lori´s link!

[Anonymous]

I also agree with everyone else Thais! I’m so sorry you have to go through this and certainly understand how hard this can be. You’re a GREAT MOM because you’re doing everything in your power to help your son! You’re even being separated from your lovely husband across the globe just to do the best you can for him. Please don’t second guess this. Yes, we’re all human and make mistakes, but so do the mothers of babies that EAT. I was on the subway yesterday and saw this mother just shove a bottle in their baby’s mouth-prop it in there- and ignore her. That baby was sucking it down and it made me so angry! Here we are, mothers who just wanted to cuddle their children and feed with a wonderful bonding experience, and then they’re are other ones who just ignore their child and leave them to their own devices AND they’re eating no problem. You can’t tell me that child won’t have more issues when their older!

We also are being sent to a feeding clinic and I’m dreading it, but like you, know if it can help, I have to try. But Ian was like this day one. Always some kind of eating issue starting with jaundice. When he was on prevacid-he was the happiest I’ve ever seen him and he wouldn’t eat-then when switched meds-he became miserable and ate for comfort. No one can tell me that’s something we’re doing! I do believe reflux can condition them to avoid pain.

Hang in there!! We’re here for you.

Tracy (Ian’s Mom 9-26-05)

[Author]

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