UPDATE

[Anonymous]

OK – so just came back from the psychologist….what an experience. I hated that she was just there watching me feed Matthew!! Oh well, we have to do all we can for our babies.

She said that since Matthew does not seem to have any disease, etc the non-eating problem has to be because of a mother-son relationship issue…

She drilled me on why i was not feeding Matthew — i think i answered her 10 times that his ped said to have someone else feed him in case i was too stressed and he was noticing. The 11th time i kind of flipped out and she asked me if i was a nervous person!!!

Things that we do wrong with his feedings according to her:

– should be the mother feeding him from now on. It is very important for babies who have eating problems. She said i have to go into a room, by myself and spend time with him. When he wants to eat, he eats. Not to entertain him too much. Ie if he is calm, then just let him be until he asks for food (i told her that he would not ask for food but she said it will come with time). She said that we were entertaining him too much and maybe making him really nervous? She said we were maybe hurrying too much and to just be much calmer.

– should try to take the feeding tube away for a week and see how he behaves adn if he gets hungry.

– i have to try and relax — she told me i am a nervous person, which i am. She said that mots babies that don´t eat have nervous mothers??? so i said how come some mothers have 2 babies one who eats and the other that does not and she said it would be because of different times in their lives!! I have to take some time and think… i told her i usually relax by reading and she said that she meant taking some time to do nothing (he, he not sure i will be able to do this!).

She asked me a ton of questions about job, new york etc etc. I told her that i was not worried about my job and that i could take time to help Matthew, as long as i wanted because my bosses were understanding. When i told her that i am an M&A banker, she started drilling me about whether i have any emotions??? HELLO: I am a f*****ing person too, regardless of my job, and i do have a heart. She asked me why i thought few women were in banking… i think she was implying that i should not get back to work??? Because it is very demanding and my baby needs me?? and that is why there are no women… let´s talk about a mother at home… but she works, right?

Anyway — i was pissed sometimes and not so pissed others. I am going to start feeding him with no real distractions, by myself and see if there is an improvement. She said i need to take some time off (which i do) but try and do nothing, ie think about my feelings. I have to go back in 10 days or so.

Matthew ate about 2 ounces —— she said it was an amazing feed. I said, well, he needs a abit more to put on weight and she looked at me like i was crazy… she said are you sure, it looked like a great feeding

ARGGGGHHHHH – the last thing i needed was to tell me tht they think that because i am a nervous person and i have always had a really demanding job then i am a bad mother. But she told me. And i am really angry at my ped for suggesting this.

[Anonymous]

Oh Thais – I’m sorry it was such a rough appointment. I have a hard
time with psychology personally – and that is not a knock against
anyone who believes in it, practices it, etc. Just MHO. I’ve said
before that I think you are a wonderful mother who is doing whatever it
takes to help her son out. Do you plan to ask your Ped why he suggested
this and what he thinks about her suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Thais, I went through the exact same thing, and I don’t want to dissuade you, but my personal opinion is that it’s bull s***!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, Matthew might not have reflux anymore, but he did at one time have reflux, and that is what I believed caused this- not you or being a nervous person. That is a load of you know what in my personal opinion. This sounds exactly like what we went through with Hailey at the psych, and I didn’t believe it then, and I don’t believe it now. My ped even said that he doesn’t believe the interactional argument anymore, it’s a school of thought that’s been around for a long time. Also, when we were at our appointment, and Hailey drank 1.5 ounces after about 9 hrs passing (and not until she fell asleep), our psych thought that was fabulous and said “see, she’s eating”. I was baffled as well. Funny about the distractions, because our feeding therapist (whose son also had reflux and feeding issues as an infant) told us that distraction helps them to focus on something other than the eating. I really don’t believe that this has anything to do with your interaction with matthew. Please don’t let them convince you that this is true. I firmly believe it’s not. If it were, then wouldn’t Matthew eat if your parents fed him? You are an amazing mother.

I also don’t buy her argument that a second child might have eating problems when a first didn’t because of stress from the mother at a different time in life. I have to tell you that when I was pregnant with Sarah, my first, I was working in an acute care hospital. When I was 5 months pregnant SARS hit, and my unit got turned into the SARS care ward. We were all petrified, people in the community were dying from it, we didn’t know how to prevent it, it was so scary. I can’t even begin to explain to you the level of stress I went through. I took a month leave until it passed, and when i returned, SARS 2 hit. I had to wear masks, and gowns, and face shields, and goggles to prevent from getting it 8 hours a day. I was a total stress case. It was still going on when Sarah was born, and it was so scary being in the hospital at that time to deliver and even at home we were all petrified of our babies getting it. It was awful. Anyhow, I’m telling you this because I was probably more stressed out when Sarah was born then when Hailey was, and I’m probably a moderate stress level person overall- more than some, but less than others, and as I’ve said before, Sarah is a fabulous eater.

Please don’t let her tell you that this is your fault. It’s not. Matthew doesn’t eat because he had reflux and developed bad feeding associations, like so many of our refluxers. He never had a probe done, so they don’t know how bad his reflux truly was.

There are so many amazing mothers who work in demanding jobs AND raise children as well. This is the new modern world, and this woman needs to get a grip of things.

I believe that these children with feeding aversions need both time and feeding therapy to get over their fears, not psychiatry, but of course that is just my opinion. I really hope that whatever you decide, you make the decision that’s right for you. For me, it was starting feeding therapy, dismissing psychiatry, and trying to move forward. I really, really feel for you, and send you and Matthew big hugs. I hope that things get better for you soon.

[Anonymous]

Oh Thais! I so agree with everyone-you’re a great Mom! Look at everything you’re doing to help your son. Plus, facing the tube myself, I know it’s not an easy decision and the fact that you put your son first, backs up that you’re a good Mother. Really, these people.

Our first GI used to do the same thing-see Ian eat 1 1/2 great and say-see what a good eater-he just needs a break! Cmon! Is that why he hasn’t gained any weight? When do we worry? Also, as far as being nervous-who wouldn’t become nervous? Especially after weeks of our children refusing to eat. But I know we all try our best to remain calm as possible. Nervousness is the effect and feeding aversion is the cause in my opinion.

Also, please don’t let her make you feel bad because you have/had a career. I got a lot of pressure and judgement for putting Ian in daycare at 3 months and although his little refluxing system couldn’t handle the viruses, I did want to work. I don’t think that makes us unemotional or unloving parents because we want to be happy mom’s with outside careers. And, vice versa, if we want to stay home(which I do now). It’s our own decision.

I’m dreading my visit next month. Sigh. Hang in there. Take what you can use and throw away what you can’t. Big HUGS!

Tracy (Ian’s Mom) Elecare and Prevacid

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your support… she was so hard on me. I don´t think that a mother who is already stressed about her son needs to hear she may not be “the best type of mother”. It is really sad i think. It can create more insecurities than anything else, so why say it? Why not be positive about it??

Karen – yes, i trust my ped. I will tell him about the appointment because i am sure he will be surprised. I think that it is actually protocol to try to find out if the causes of non-eating are psychological, once everything else has been ruled out. BTW — this woman did not believe that a child can have a feeding aversion. I so disagree with that.

Lori – i remember reading about your post adn it does sound so familiar. I felt ashamed when i was there – i think that is so wrong that someone can make you feel that way. Arent they there to help? I agree, i am active and can juggle a ton of things and barely can sit still… why does that make me a bad mother? It is not right. Fine, i can try and feed him myself (the only reason i was not doing it was because the ped told me not to!) and with less distractions and try to be even more patient. But the rest … arrggghhh

Tracy – i know. Matthew always does great on these situations. And he was really calm there and he ate fine but he did eat SO LITTLE, which is why he has a tube… eh does open his mouth when he wants but he is just NOT HUNGRY. On the carreer — i know. What, you have to do a low key job to be a good mother or give everything up because if you work hard you are not able to feed your baby. I AM NOT EVEN WORKING. I don´t even know if i will get back to work. People have so many stereotypes about jobs it is amazing.

[Anonymous]

matthewmama wrote:

I agree, i am active and can juggle a ton of things and barely can sit still… why does that make me a bad mother? It is not right.

Funny Thais, because I am totally the opposite (like things to be calm and relaxed, don’t like too many things going on at the same time), and the psych used that against me when I went. If anything, the traits you have can only help in motherhood- not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Thais – reading your post made me really mad. I cant believe that these psychologists have pre-conceived ideas and stereotypes about what sort of people make good and bad mothers. I was alot less stressed with Tyler than my daughter. I knew what I was doing, he was breastfeeding so much better, it was so much easier. At around 6 weeks he stopped eating and the reflux and allergies kicked in. If it was my personality or stress levels that caused it, then he would have been that way from birth. As for our careers, I have a fairly stressful job, but it in no way interferes with my home life. I have friends that dont work but stress about every little thing their child does and their children eat fine. I know the doctors are just looking for answers but all this sounds really crazy to me….

[Anonymous]

matthewmama wrote:

BTW — this woman did not believe that a child can have a feeding aversion.

Thais – I am so sorry to hear that the appointment went so bad. I remember you mentioned that this woman saw a lot of babies with infantile anorexia, how come she does not believe that a child can have a feeding aversion?! Brian saw everyone in a feeding clinic except the psychologist because the insurance issue, I heard that the psychologist suppose deals with children’s behavioral feeding problem, did she mention anything about that?

[Anonymous]

Thais, if she thinks feeding problems are all due to mother-child interaction, next time you see her, you should ask her how come a mother of twins can have one twin that feeds well, and another that has feeding problems!

[Anonymous]

Thank you all… i have started feeding Matthew by myself now, with a little toy or something… it is so hard without many distractions but really, it is impossible i realise to feed and distract and clean him and make sure he does not pull his tube… all at the same time!

I have decided to use the tube more — i offer the solids, and what he does not take, i kind of calculate how much i need to put in through the tube and do it. Before, we were pushing a lot more but i think that the only good thing i got from it all is that i just have to start all over again, which i am doing.

Also, Matthew used ot eat 4 yogurts a day… it has been 4 days now and he will not even taste it. So we need the tube to get some milk into him.

[Anonymous]

Thais, I know with Matthew’s tube, this might be not practical, but have you tried to take Matthew out and feed him in public? I did that with Johnny yesterday, and it was a great success! I took him to the food court on post at his meal time, put him on the hight chair, and he finished the whole box (100g) of yogurt in 15 minutes! First time in his life! He got so interested in watching people that he forgot about claming his mouth. He did gag a couple of times during th feeding (scared me to death!) but got distracted right away by the passerbys. I plan to do this more often because not only we can both enjoy going out (I finally found a good reason to get out of the house!) but also he can enjoy feeding more.

[Anonymous]

Thais, hope that the feedings start to pick up with Matthew. What is the theory behind no distractions?

Yu-hua, that’s great that Johnny will eat out in public. That’s part of the problem for us. She’ll only eat sleep feeding at home. (how does she know where she is if she’s asleep??????)

[Anonymous]

That lady was so stupid (the psychologist) to say that it is your fault! That is so ignorant of her to say. Obviously 2 oz is not enough for him so how was that a good feed? I am so sorry that you had to go through that!

[Author]

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